Roman's Joke-of-the-Week

Some mornings I wake up grumpy.
Other mornings I let her sleep.

Don't tell my Mother I work as a NASA engineer!
She thinks I work for the whorehouse.

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Because life is too important to take seriously.^tm

This Week: May 3, 1998

This political joke came from George Hughes. Thanks George:)

Dear Paula from Lucky

(Personal and private fan mail for Paula Corbin Jones which was subpoenaed by Congressman Dan Burton and released to the public for the good of the Republican Party, truth and justice, and the right American way)

Dear Miss Paula,

My daddy, G. Gordon Liddy, encouraged me to write you. He is impressed with your commitment to the highest ethical standards and wonderful sense of morality.

I want to thank you for what you are doing for Christian women. For too long communists and their liberal dupes have stolen credit for protecting women. Sure their equal rights and sexual harassment laws have dispensed women limited protection from brutes. But what protection have those laws given Christian women, like you, from slick talking Democrats like Bill Clinton or lesbians like Janet Reno. Your trust in your brilliant Christian Republican lawyers will yield wonderful results. Christian women need protection from seduction by fornicators and adulterers. Only atheists and other enemies of Christianity would try to exclude fornication, adultery and oral sex from our sexual harassment laws. We still have a Republican majority on the Supreme Court. With our prays and your persistence, our Supreme Court will reward Christian women with a landmark decision against the sodomites and libertines.

Paula, we hate the Clintons eversomuch, maybe even more than you do.

In Christian charity,

Lucky

Joke of the Week on 05/03/98

This joke came from the boyfriend of Gwendolyn E Eckman. Thanks Gwen & boyfriend :)

Monica's limericks

Entry # 1

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Entry # 2

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Entry # 3

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice to be blown.

Joke of the Week on 05/03/98

This joke came from JD STONE. Thanks JD :)

Monica's Diary

*Entry 1

Dear Diary,

I'm so excited! Just got a job as an intern at the White House...and I don't know a thing about medicine. Don't even know what my duties are yet, but I hope it's a "hands on" position.

*Entry 2

Dear Diary,

You won't believe this! I snuck into the Oval Office when no one was looking. But then I dropped one of my contact lenses. So, I got down on my hands and knees and was looking for it when, guess what, the President walked in. He said, "You must be the new intern." That man is psychic! I hope he likes me.

*Entry 3

Dear Diary,

I think the President likes me. Today he dropped HIS contacts on the rug and asked me to find them. We looked all over for them, and you'll never believe where they urned up. And the most embarrassing thing was, he was the one who found them.

*Entry 4

Dear Diary,

He really likes me.

*Entry 5

Dear Diary,

I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon to work. It is such a drag. Like they're going to put me in charge of heat-seeking missles or something. But I still talk to my Bubba-cakes on the phone. He calls me "1-900-Monica." (That means he thinks I'm one in nine hundred. That's pretty special.)

*Entry 6

Dear Diary,

I met a really nice girl today. Her name is Linda. She's really cool except for that clown hair. Has she ever heard the word "conditioner?" She looks like Mrs. Ronald McDonald.

*Entry 7

Dear Diary,

I think Linda is hard of hearing. She keeps asking me to speak louder whenever we go out for a quiet dinner.

*Entry 8

Dear Diary,

Oh-oh. The bad news: I've been subpoenaed. The good news is that Vernon Jordan is my new best friend. I'm going job hunting with him tomorrow.

*Entry 9

Dear Diary,

I had to give an affidavit in that stupid Paula Jones' case. What is she talking about? There are no distinguishing marks. And, by the way, I am way cuter than her. She looks like David Brenner in drag.

*Entry 10

Dear Diary,

I've had it. I'm never going to be an intern again. I'm going back to Hollywood where they pay you for that kind of work.

*Entry 11

Dear Diary,

Finally got home to L.A. and hugged Daddy so hard I thought I would pop. It's the first time in six months I called a man "daddy" that I was actually related to.

*Entry 12

Dear Diary,

It is so totally fabulous being back in Brentwood where they really understand me. O.J. stopped by-he said not to worry because, "If there's no spot on the dress, it's anybody's guess."

*Entry 13

Dear Diary,

All my girlfriends are so jealous of all the attention I'm getting from Kenneth Starr. I think they have a subpoena envy. And Linda Tripp-I hate her. I'm thinking of selling a Linda Doll. You wind it up and it stabs a Barbie Doll in the back.

*Entry 14

Dear Diary,

Got to remember to tell Bubba-cakes my totally do-able solution to this whole wacky Iraqi crisis. He forgets that I worked at the Pentagaon. Just have Vernon Jordan get Saddam Whatsisname a job at Revlon. (Like, really, it's a no brainer!)

*Entry 15

Dear Diary,

They keep asking me if I had sexual relations with the President. I mean, give me a break. That is so crazy. I mean, just because every day, when I worked at the White House, his name was at the top of my "To Do" list.

*Entry 16

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I wish some of the other girls who were in my position would stand up and be counted. But they might hit their heads on the President's desk if they did.

*Entry 17

Dear Diary,

They keep talking about immunity... like I caught something from the President or something. The truth is, there was always a secret service man outside the Oval Office protecting us. Now, that's what I call safe sex!

*Entry 18

Dear Diary,

Omigod. Mom and I are both going to the grand jury. What is that about anyway? Sounds like some big hotel. Anyway, I guess I shouldn't have told mom about taking dictation in the Oval Office. Me and my big mouth!

*Entry 19

Dear Diary,

I'm not really worried. I've got offers to do some really cool movies that are going straight to video and starring me! The Full Monica, a sequel to In And Out, A Pack-O-Lips Now, Wag the Willy and my most favorite: Good Bill Humping. I hope Spielberg will direct.

Joke of the Week on 05/03/98

I am always hungry for good new jokes. E-mail them to romanm@infocom.net and you'll be fully credited for it. How do you like this compensation program :) ?

So far I am still running strong, but the quality will deteriorate with time and I will have to tell the jokes, that (according to my wife Miriam), will ruin my reputation. So please help!

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Miscellaneous Jokes
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Adult Jokes

This 'culinary' joke came from Brian Myers. Thanks Brian :)

The Lazy Husband

This woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more--would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.

One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?"

Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?" The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?"

And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?" Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today." He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"

"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them."

"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked.

She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"

Joke of the Week on 01/18/98

This joke was submitted by Greg Knight and came from his friend John. Thanks Greg & John :)

Bar's Bet

This guy comes into a bar, says to the bartender "I'll bet you $200 that I can piss directly into a shotglass 10 feet away, without spilling anything".

The bartender grins, says "You're on." He places the shotglass 10 feet away, then says "Go ahead." The guy pisses all over the bar, everywhere except the cup, then grins and says "You win. I'll get you're money, just a minute."

He goes to the back of the room for a minute, talks to someone, then comes back to the bartender, grinning.

"Here's your money," he said. The bartender asks "You just lost 200 dollars, what makes you so happy??".

He replies "I bet the guy in the back 500 dollars that I could piss all over the bar and that not only would you not mind, but you'd be happy about it."

Joke of the Week on 02/08/98

This joke came from Loonie Bin. Thanks Dee Dee :)

Rounds at Mental Hospital

A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud noises not unlike a Kenworth.. VRROOOOM, VRRROOOOMM... SCREEEECH..... "What are you doing?" enquires the doctor. "I'm taking this road train down to Barcelona," replies the ex-trucker.

Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress. "And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed.

"Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona, I'm screwing his wife."

Joke of the Week on 02/22/98

This joke came from Terry Galan. Thanks Terry :)

Migraines anyone?

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and still there is no improvement.

"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."

Joke of the Week on 03/01/98

This joke came from Ugur Pembecioglu. Thanks Ugur :)

Martian Sex

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, "All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

Joke of the Week on 03/08/98

This joke came from Gwendolyn E Eckman. Thanks Gwen :)

Dog in Heat

Little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage."

Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block. I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you."

Dad said, "Bring Susie over here". He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block."

Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Dad said, "Where's Susie?"

Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home."

Joke of the Week on 04/12/98

This joke came from Terry Galan. Thanks Terry :)

11 Is Enough!

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough. They could not afford a larger double-wide so, the husband went to his doctor, who also treated mules, and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (small fireworks), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

So, the couple drove to get a second opinion. The second doctor was just about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy when he realized how truly backwards these people were. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5.... ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Joke of the Week on 04/19/98

Bumper Stickers

This collection came from Don Chesnel. Thanks Don :)

Collection #1

Our sex was so good, even the neighbors had a cigarette.

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

We are Microsoft. Resistance is Futile. You will be Assimilated.

Jesus is coming - everyone look busy.

Born free........Taxed to death.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

WANTED: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

I got a gun for my wife.....Best trade I ever made!

Jesus may love you....but he won't respect you in the morning.

So you're a feminist - isn't that cute?

Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.

I need someone really bad.....Are you really bad?

If, a two letter word for futility.

I don't care, I don't have to.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

To all you virgins out there....Thanks for nothing.

Joke of the Week on 02/01/98

Computer Jokes

We'll start the New Year with bunch of computer jokes. The following usefull dictionary came from AudWill@aol.com. Thanks AudWill :)

Redneck Computer Terms

BACKUP:: What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods

BAR CODE:: Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern

BUG:: The reason you give for calling in sick

BYTE:: What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro

CACHE:: Needed when you run out of food stamps

CHIP:: Pasture muffins that you try not to step in

TERMINAL:: Time to call the undertaker

CRASH:: When you go to Junior's party uninvited

DIGITAL:: The art of counting on your fingers

DISKETTE:: Female Disco dancer

FAX:: What you lie about to the IRS

HACKER:: Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking

HARDCOPY:: Picture looked at when selecting tattoos

INTERNET:: Where cafeteria workers put their hair

KEYBOARD:: Where you hang the keys to the John Deere

MAC:: Big Bubba's favorite fast food

MEGAHERTZ:: How your head feels after 17 beers

MODEM:: What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall

MOUSE PAD:: Where Mickey and Minnie live

NETWORK:: Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line

ONLINE:: Where to stay when taking the sobriety test

ROM:: Where the pope lives

SCREEN:: Helps keep the skeeters off the porch

SERIAL PORT:: A red wine you drink with breakfast

SUPERCONDUCTOR:: Amtrak's Employee of the year

SCSI:: What you call your week-old underwear

Joke of the Week on 01/04/98

Next MIR joke came from D. Hutton. Thanks D.H. :)

MIR failure

I have just received information from a generally reliable source deep within NASA that the latest failure of the main computer onboard MIR occurred when Russian cosmonauts attempted to delete Microsoft's Internet Explorer. Waiting for additional verification that Janet Reno is naming an independent counsel to investigate.

Joke of the Week on 01/04/98

The last (virus) joke came from avas0luk@hydrophilus.com. Thanks avas0luk :)

Is Windows a virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

They replicate quickly. Okay, Windows does that.
Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as theydo so. Okay, Windows does that.
Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. Okay, Windows does that, too.
Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems (Sigh)... Windows does that, too.
Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus, but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So, Windows is *not* a virus. (Added later by Duncan Bain. Thanks Duncan) It's a BUG!

Joke of the Week on 01/04/98

This joke, dedicated to our significant others in our lives, came from OperaGlov. Thanks Opera :)

Letter to Husband

TO MY DARLING HUSBAND,

I am sending you this letter via the BB thing so you'll be sure to read it. Please excuse the deception but I thought you should know what's been going on at home since the computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project and all the figures are good and the back of your head looks very realistic.

Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. It was a grand day for Jenny despite the strong storm and the fact that the electricity was out all afternoon. I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and discovered blondes really do have more fun.

George..uh, I mean Mr. Wilson the Department Head..has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to all of us. Well, my dear I must be going. George..uh, I mean Mr. Wilson..is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I hired a housekeeper to take care of things while I'm away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone. We will all think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love, Karen

Joke of the Week on 03/15/98

Lawyer Jokes

This collection came from the lawyer's lover ;) -- R.C. Ogden. Thanks R.C. :)

A collection of the old classic "Lawyer Jokes"

What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your honor.

What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
Senator.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because down deep, they are all nice guys!!!!

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.

What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.

How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.

Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!

What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A lobotomy.

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.

Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery

What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.

Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.

Joke of the Week on 03/01/98

Miscellaneous Jokes

This joke was came from Jon. Thanks Jon :)

Military Performance Ratings

These are actual lines out of performance appraisal forms for the military.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Somewhere there's a village with the idiot missing.

Joke of the Week on 02/15/98

This classic joke came from Stan Kegel. Thanks Stan :)

The Plan

In the beginning there was a plan. Then came the assumptions. The plan was without substance. The assumptions were without form. Darkness was upon the face of the workers.

And they spoke amongst themselves saying: "It is a crock of shit and it stinketh!"

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said: "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odour thereof!"

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying: "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, Such that none may abide by it!"

And the Managers went unto the Management Committee saying: "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength!"

And the Management Committee spoke amongst itself saying unto one another: "It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong!"

And the Management Committee gave counsel unto the Vice Presidents saying unto them: "It promotes growth and it is very powerful!"

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President saying unto him: "This new plan will activily promote the growth and vigour of the company with powerful effects!"

And the President looked upon the plan and saw that it was good. And so the plan became policy.

And that's how shit happens.

Joke of the Week on 02/22/98

This joke came from sarahsod@RIVNET.NET. Thanks sarahsod :)

Blind Commercial Pilots

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!"

Joke of the Week on 03/01/98

This joke came from Richard Hayden. Thanks Richard :)

You might be a teacher if...

You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free."

You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.

When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.

You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

You can't have children of your own, because there is NO name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.

Meeting a child's parents INSTANTLY answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

Joke of the Week on 03/08/98

This joke came from Terry Galan. Thanks Terry :)

What those job ads really mean??!!

Here's what HR really means, at times: CLARIFICATION OF CORPORATE LINGO

COMPETITIVE SALARY:: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:: We have no time to train you

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:: Some time each night and some time each weekend

DUTIES WILL VARY:: Anyone in the office can boss you around

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:: We have no quality control

CAREER-MINDED:: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way)

APPLY IN PERSON:: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:: You'll need it to replace three people who just left

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it

Joke of the Week on 03/15/98

This list came from Terry Galan and his favorite is #26. Thanks Terry :)

26 Thoughts to get you through almost any crisis

Indecision is the key to flexibility.
You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Things are more like they are today than they have ever been before.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
The trouble with life is, you're half way through it before you realize it's a "do it yourself" thing.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Joke of the Week on 03/22/98

This troubleshooter came from Funny Town UpdateMail list. Thanks Funny Town :)

Beer Troubleshooting

SYMPTOM	FAULT	ACTION
Feet cold and wet	Glass being held at incorrect angle	Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Feet warm and wet	Improper bladder control	Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training
Beer unusually pale and tasteless	Glass empty	Get someone to buy you another beer
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights	You have fallen over backward	Have yourself leashed to bar
Mouth contains cigarette butts	You have fallen forward	See above
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet	Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face	Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
Floor blurred	You are looking through bottom of empty glass	Get someone to buy you another beer
Floor moving	You are being carried out	Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Room seems unusually dark	Bar has closed	Confirm home address with bartender
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures	Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations	Cover mouth

Joke of the Week on 03/29/98

This joke came from Judy Lococo. Thanks Judy :)

Poor Tipping Bachelor

One day a bachelor who was a poor tipper walked into his favorite restaurant and ordered lunch.

A new waitress served his meal and received a three cent tip.

When he came in the next day, she thanked him for his "generosity" and she said she could tell the character of a diner by the way he tipped.

"Well, what could you tell about me?" he asked.

"You put three pennies in a neat row," said the waitress, "and that shows you are a very tidy person. The first penny tells me you are a frugal, and the second tells me that you are a bachelor."

"That's true," he agreed. "But what does the third penny tell you?"

"The third penny tells me your Father was a bachelor, too."

Joke of the Week on 04/05/98

This joke came from Ritholtz@aol.com. Thanks Ritholtz :)

Canoe Race: California vs. Japan

A Japanese company and a California company decided to have a canoe race on the Columbia river. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

Afterwards, the California team became very discouraged and depressed. The management of the California company decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Measurement Team," made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the Californians had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.

So the management of the California company hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."

The next year the Japanese won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the management of California company laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they used the money saved by giving a High Performance Award to the steering managers and distributed the rest of the money as bonuses to the senior executives.

Joke of the Week on 04/12/98

Political Jokes

This joke was came from James R. Muller. Thanks James :)

D.C.'s Barbershop

A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and asked how much he owed. "No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord." when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest.

A few days later a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer.

A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge," the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop.

Joke of the Week on 01/18/98

This joke came from Patrick Ash. Thanks Patrick :)

Top 16 things Overheard coming from the Oval Office

16. Are you sure that Al Gore started this way?
15. If this leaks out, I'll be ruined.
14. If this doesn't leak out, *I'll* be ruined.
13. If I could convince Hillary to do that just once....
12. Now you know why they call me 'Slick Willie'.
11. You are a White House intern; Well, now it's your turn.
10. I knew that a lot of things came across your desk, I just never thought that I would be one of them.
9. Somehow, I don't think that Alan Greenspan would explain inflation that way.
8. I've always said, "I want to be a 'hands-on' president."
7. what do you mean 'falsie inspection. I don't remember a no falsies clause in my contract.
6. When you asked me to look at the presidential pole, I thought you meant the latest Gallup Survey.
5. I thought that all of those notches in your desk were from Sox sharpening his claws.
4. Are you *sure* it's in?
3. When you said that you had your finger on the pulse of the nation, this isn't exactly what i thought you meant.
2. "Maybe Chelsea can hook me up with some of those sorority babes."

And the number 1 thing overheard coming from the oval Office...

1. If you think that's 8 inches, I can see why you thought your last budget was balanced.

Joke of the Week on 01/25/98

This joke came from MarkREG. Thanks Mark :)

Gallup Survey on Clinton

An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question:
Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?
97% gave the reply, "Never Again!"

Joke of the Week on 01/25/98

This joke was submitted by Dallas D. Hickerson. Thanks Dallas :)

"Wizard of OZ" at the White House

Ex-President George Bush, former VP Dan Quayle and President Bill Clinton get together and decide to watch "The Wizard of Oz" in the White House theater. Afterwards, they hold a press conference.

Mr. Bush steps up to the microphone and says, "After seeing that movie, I wish that I had more HEART; I would have been a kinder, gentler President."

Ex-VP Quayle steps up to the microphone and says, "I wish that I had more COURAGE; I probably would have been a better Vice President."

President Clinton steps up to the microphone: "I wish I'd had Dorothy!"

Joke of the Week on 01/25/98

This joke came from Todd C. Nessen. Thanks Todd :)

The Dog Fight...

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

Joke of the Week on 02/08/98

This joke came from Lee Bradley. Thanks Lee :)

White House Voice Mail

Thank you for calling the White House. You have reached the White House voice mail system. No one is available to take your call at this time because the entire administration is out to lunch. Please follow these instructions carefully to leave your message. When you are finished, don't hang up until the FBI finishes tracing the call. Have a nice day.

If you are male and have a message for the president, press 9.

If your are female and would like to leave a message for the president, press M-O-T-E-L-6.

To leave a message for Mrs. Clinton, press N-O-W.

If you are male and would like to leave a message for Chelsea, press N-O-W-A-Y.

To leave a message for Buddy, press D-O-G.

To leave a message for Socks, press D-O-G-F-O-O-D.

To leave a message for Roger Clinton, press A-A.

To leave a message for Ted Kennedy, Press 7-A-N-D-7.

If you are from Arkansas, ask the next person who walks by to show you which button has a 2 on in and then press it.

If you are calling with a question about affirmative action, press 3 and step to the back of the phone booth.

If you are calling to arrange a night in the Lincoln bedroom, press D-O-L-L-A-R.

If you are calling to arrange a White House coffee, pres Y-E-N.

If you are calling to support Hillary's birth control program, press F-R-I-G-I-D.

If you are calling leave a message for Janet Reno, press W-A-C-O.

To leave a message for the president's advisor on womem's rights, press O-J.

To leave a message for Steven Spielberg to give to Barney Frank, press E.-T.-P-H-O-N-E-H-O-M-O.

To leave a message for a member of Congress, press B-I-G-D-O-N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

To leave a message for the Gore2000 campaign, press H-O-P-E-L-E-S-S.

To speak to an operator, press 0.

To speak to a slick operator, stay on the line and the president will answer your call shortly.

Joke of the Week on 04/26/98

Religious Jokes

This one is a classic and came from Les Pourciau. Thanks Les:)

When does life begin

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.

"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."

"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."

"You've both got it wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the dog dies and the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house..."

Joke of the Week on 01/11/98

This joke was found @ Loonie Bin. Thanks Dee Dee :)

Upset Baptist Minister

Way down south, there's a Baptist minister of a large congregation. One morning after a particularly moving sermon, he says, "Friends, I have been hearing nasty rumors!"

The crowd falls into an expectant silence.

"One of you, my faithful followers, has been saying that I am a member of the Klu Klux Klan. This is not true! I am now asking that the guilty party confess and apologize here before my flock."

Just then Sister Margaret stands up, "Preacher, I don't know how this came to be. All I said was that you're a wizard under the sheets."

Joke of the Week on 01/11/98

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