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<center><b>I <i>laughed</i> and <i>cried</i> @</b><BR> <A HREF="http://www.infocom.net/~romanm/joke.html"> <img src="http://www.infocom.net/~romanm/images/jokebanr.jpg" width="400" height="40"></a><br> <font size="+1" color="#FF0000"><i>...you can too!</i></font><BR></center>

1995 Archive

1996 Archive

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January 5, 1997

January 12, 1997

January 19, 1997

January 26, 1997

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February 16, 1997

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March 2, 1997

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March 30, 1997

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June 1, 1997

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July 6, 1997

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July 20, 1997

July 27, 1997

August 3, 1997

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August 31, 1997

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September 28, 1997

October 5, 1997

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October 19, 1997

October 26, 1997

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December 7, 1997

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Current Jokes (1998)

January 5, 1997

This FAQ comes from Wednesday, January 8, 1997 edition of Oracle Service Humor Mailing List. Thanks OSHML :)

To subscribe to the Oracle's mail list send a message with only the word SUBSCRIBE
in the body (not the subject) of the message to: humour-list-request@lists.synapse.net
WWW Site: Oracle Service Humor Archives

Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care

By David Lubar

Q.	What does HMO stand for?
A.	This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.
Q.	Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A.	No. Only those you need.
Q.	I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A.	Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!
Q.	What are pre-existing conditions?
A.	This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.
Q.	Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A.	Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q.	What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A.	You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q.	My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A.	Poke yourself in the eye.
Q.	I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
A.	You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.
Q.	What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A.	Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
Q.	No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A.	You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.
Q.	I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A.	Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.
Q.	What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A.	Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.
Q.	Will health care be any different in the next century?
A.	No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

January 12, 1997:

This interesting statistics was posted by Ken Carll on UGA Humor List (HUMOR@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU). Thanks Ken :)

ARE YOU NORMAL?

• Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
• 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
• Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
• 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
• 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.
• 67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
• The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.
• 85% of women wear the wrong bra size.
• 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
• 13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.
• 91% of us lie regularly.
• 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
• 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
• 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
• 90% believe in divine retribution.
• 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
• 82% believe in an afterlife.
• 45% believe in ghosts.
• 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
• 29% of us are virgins when we marry.
• 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
• 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
• Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.
• 35% give to charity at least once a month.
• How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.
• 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
• When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
• 85% of us will eat Spam this year.
• 70% of us drink orange juice daily.
• Snickers is the most popular candy.
• 22% of us skip lunch daily.
• 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
• 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
• 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
• 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
• Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
• 45% use mouthwash every day.
• 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
• The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
• Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
• 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
• 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
• 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
• 62% of us pop our zits.
• 33% of women lie about their weight.
• 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
• 57% have had deja vu.
• 49% believe in ESP.
• 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
• The average girl starts her period at age 12.
• 44% have broken a bone.
• Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
• 14% have attended a self-help meeting.
• 15% regularly go to a shrink.
• 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
• 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.
• 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
• 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
• 23.5% admit they don't always flush.
• 45.2% pee in the shower.
• 44.9% pee in the ocean.
• 28.1% pee in the pool.
• 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're sing the toilet.
• 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.
• 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
• 29% of us ignore RSVP.
• 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
• 22% are functionally illiterate.
• Less than 10% are trilingual.
• 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
• 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
• 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
• 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks.
• 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
• 40% of us have had music lessons.
• 44% reuse tinfoil.
• 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
• 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
• 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
• 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
• 59% of us say we're average-looking.
• Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
• 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
• 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
• 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
• 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
• On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
• 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
• 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
• The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
• Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
• 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
• 6% propose over the phone.
• 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
• 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.
• 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
• 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
• 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
• 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
• 25% of us drive after we've been drinking.
• 4 out of 5 sing in the car.
• The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.
• Men say the average erect penis is 10". Women say it's 4".
• 56% of men have had sex at work.
• 1 in 3 of us have had an extramarital affair.
• 62% think there is nothing wrong with affairs.
• 60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand.
• The most common fantasy is oral sex.
• Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold.
• 8% of us have regular anal sex.
• 58% like dirty talk during sex.
• 22% rent porno flicks at least once.

January 19, 1997

This noticeable note well worth to be noticed (contributed by David Miller) was submitted by Allison (a/k/a Mighty Grapholina). Thanks Allison :) BTW, please visit her site and you want regret it, unless you're time constrained ;)

From the Notice Committee for Noticing Notices

* * * NOTICE * * *

PLEASE NOTICE!!!!!

You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice. And, we have noticed that some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable.

It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. Therefore, this notice is to remind you to notice the notices and to respond to the notices because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.

January 26, 1997

This appropriate for the Superball Sunday joke was submitted by Todd C. Nessen. Thanks Todd :)

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the mother.

"Mom, I'm 40 years old, and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room shaking her head.

The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom. Upon entering the room, he found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked.

His daughter replied, "I already told dad. I'm 40 years old now and I'm ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head.

The next day, the mother came home and found her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other watching the football game on TV. "What on Earth are you doing?" she cried.

The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the football game with my son-in-law!!"

February 2, 1997

This entertaining joke with some implicit sexual references (don't read it, if it may offend you) was submitted by Chris. Thanks Chris :)

HOW TO KILL AN EEL

(A true story)

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. He started to kiss and hug her. I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt.

About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST!

Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! Anyway, sis got braved and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissors lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight.

Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. The eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats... they have nine lives or something. This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet."

Mother fainted.

February 9, 1997

This joke, that strangely enough my wife ;) liked more than me, was submitted by my officemate Katherine A. Trusty. Thanks Katherine :)

Three guys are out fishing, when one lands a mermaid. She offers to grant each fisherman a wish in exchange for her freedom.

"OK, double my IQ," says the first fisherman.

"Done," says the mermaid, and the man, to his amazement, begins to recite Shakespeare.

The second fisherman is so staggered he says to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ."

"Done," says the mermaid, as he spouts solutions to math problems he never knew existed.

The third fisherman is beside himself. "Quintuple my IQ!" he screams.

The mermaid looks at him and says, "Normally, I don't try to change people's minds when they ask me for a wish, but I'd really like you to reconsider."

"No, I want my IQ increased five time, and if you don't, I won't set you free."

"Please," says the mermaid. "It will change your entire view of the universe!" But no matter what the mermaid says, the third fisherman persists.

So the mermaid sighs and says, "Done."

And with that, he became a woman.

---

This bonus joke, that may offend some people, was submitted by Mark Sheard. Thanks Mark :)

A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie,
"if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him that the every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetary to pray to the lord.

"If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," he said "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetary and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god.

"I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first."

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out,
"Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"

The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting,
"Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

February 16, 1997

This joke was submitted independently by (our frequent submitors) Katherine A. Trusty and Krzysztof F. Plizga. Thanks Katherine :) and Krzysztof :)

One night a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone else left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

---

This bonus joke, that may offend some people, was submitted by Craig Baugh. Thanks Craig :)

A certain old couple had been married for 50 years. Each sunday they would go to church and the old man would immediately fall asleep. This annoyed the old woman, so, on the sunday of thier 50th anniversary the old woman brings along a large hat pin with which to keep her husband awake.

Shortly after entering the church and finding a seat the old man drifted off to sleep. As the preacher asked the group, "WHO is the Savior of the world?", the old woman stuck the old man with hat pin.

"JESUS CHRIST!", the old man shouted, jumping to his feet.

The preacher was shocked. After 50 years the old man was becoming active in his sermon. The old man quickly drifted back to sleep as the preacher presented a new question to the group. "WHO is our Lord and Savior of all mankind?". The old woman jabbed the old man with hat pin.

"JESUS CHRIST!!", he hollered. The preacher, of course, was stunned.

The old man quickly fell back to sleep again and the old woman got caught up in the sermon which was going on about the creation of the world and Adam and Eve. The preacher asked the congregation, "What did Eve say to Adam after thier 300th child?"

Remembering her husband, the old woman stuck him with the hat pin again.

Jumping to his feet the old man responded, "If you stick me with that damn thing again I'm gonna break it in two!"

February 23, 1997

This joke came from Louis M Cressia IV Thanks Louis :)

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron".

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! (said with Eric King intonation) he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit. 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. 3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! (said with Eric King intonation) Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

---

This bonus joke, that may offend some [church] people, was submitted by Michael Matuszewicz. Thanks Michael :)

Three ministers were discussing mutual problems. "Bats are a major headache," the first minister said.
"We tried fumigating the church, but the bats came back."

"We have a bat problem, too," the second minister said.
"We closed up all the holes in the building, but they keep finding ways to get in."

"I solved that problem," the third minister said.
"I caught all the bats, baptized them, and gave then collection envelopes. They haven’t been back to church since!"

March 2, 1997

From Oracle's Humor Archive. Submitted by Bruce Guthrie. Thanks Bruce :)

Help Feed AA Pilots

It's just not right. Thousands of pilots in our very own country are living at or just below the six figure salary line. And if that wasn't bad enough, many of them may go several weeks or months without a paycheck if they are forced by American Airlines management to strike.

But now you can help. For about three hundred dollars a day -- that's less than the price of a 25'' television set -- you can help keep a pilot economically viable during their time of need.

Three hundred dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a pilot, it could mean the difference between a vacation fishing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise.

For you, three hundred dollars is nothing more than half a month's rent or mortgage payment. But to a pilot, three hundred dollars a day will almost replace his or her salary.

Three hundred dollars a day will enable a pilot to upgrade his or her home computer, buy that new 100" television set, trade in the 6 month old Lexus for a Ferrari, or enjoy a dinner (with champagne) at The Mansion.

"HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?"

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the crew member you sponsor. Detailed information about his or her stocks,bonds, 401K, and real-estate holdings will be mailed to your home. You will be able to watch your pilot's net worth grow. You'll also get information on how they chose to invest their 1.2 million dollar lump sum they get upon their retirement.

"HOW WILL THEY KNOW I'M HELPING?"

Your pilot will be told that he or she has a SPECIAL FRIEND that just wants to help. Although the pilot won't know your name, he or she will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case they need more funds.

---

I want to help!! In the event of a strike by the APA, I would like to sponsor the crew member listed below. I would like to sponsor (circle your selection/s):

CAPTAIN	F-100 CREW MEMBER
AN ENTIRE FLIGHT CREW	A300 CREW MEMBER
FIRST OFFICER	SUPER-80 CREW MEMBER
NAVIGATOR	727 CREW MEMBER
767 CREW MEMBER	MD-11 CREW MEMBER
Please apply my donation to the crew member most in need

Please charge the account listed below $326.25 per day (or $350.29 for MD-11 crew members) for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the crew member I have sponsored, along with a set of "wings" and my very own "new" red S.C.O.P.E. badge (while supplies last)

Mastercard	Visa	American Express
AAsset Card	Discover Card	Diner's Club

Account Number:	Expiration:
Date:	Signature: ___________________________

Send Completed Forms to the APA. Or, Enroll By Phone: (97X)-988-3188

Note: Sponsors agree not to contact the crew member sponsored or their families in person or by other means including, but not limited to, phone calls, letters, email, or third parties. Contributions made are not tax deductible. In the event of no strike action taken, sponsors agree to a one time administration charge of $500.00 to cover administration costs of this program.

March 9, 1997

During the great success of re-runs of Star Wars saga this appriopriate joke was submitted by Matt. Thanks Matt :)

Top ten sexually suggestive lines in the Star Wars Trilogy

Star Wars

10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
4. "Sorry about the mess..."
3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

The Empire Strikes Back

10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."
9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
7. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cumm..."
6. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
5. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
4. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
3. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
2. "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"
1. "Control, control! You must learn control!"

Return of the Jedi:

10. "Hey, point that thing someplace else."
9. "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master."
8. "I never knew I had it in me."
7. "There is good in him, I've felt it."
6. "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it, almost... you almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me Chewie."
5. "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one."
4. "Back door, huh? Good idea!"
3. "She's gonna blow!"
2. "I think you'll fit in nicely."
1. "Rise, my friend."

And of course, "Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!"

March 16, 1997

Old (very funny) joke submitted by Bart Lewalski. Thanks Bart :)

The Italians

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi".

March 23, 1997

Joke submitted by Suby Wallace. Thanks Suby :)

Two chemistry students had worked hard all term. Finals had begun, but each figured she'd be able to get and 'A' in the course with mimimum study. They decided to take a short trip the day before the final, planning to review the material in the car on the drive. Anticipating a fun time, they headed for a neighboring university to party with friends.

Accidently, they slept in at the party site and missed the chemistry final. When they aproached the professor, they explained they had had to make a road trip to console a friend whose mother had died. Then on the way back to school they had a flat tire and the spare was also flat, which hampered their return in time for the exam.

The professor agreed to give a make-up exam that afternoon, but he placed the girls in separate rooms to take the final. Each proceeded to whip through the 100-point test, silently rejoicing at the ease of the material . . . . until they reached the last question worth 50 points:
"Which tire?"

March 30, 1997

Two jokes, inappriopriate for Easter, about man's anatomy. If those won't ruin my reputation than nothin' will ;) BTW, Happy Easter!
Joke submitted by Maverick. Thanks Maverick :)

Penis Study

Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took 2 years and cost over $180,000.00. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the U.S. study were incorrect. After three years of research and cost an excess of $250,000.00, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the women with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the German study were released, Texas A&M decided to conduct their own study. They didn't really trust the U.S. or German studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research and at a cost of right around $75.00, the Aggie study reached a conclusion. The Texas Aggie study came to the final conclusion that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

---

Joke submitted by Aaron from Palmer, Alaska. Thanks Aaron :)

A man walks into an empty bar and orders a beer. He hears the most beautiful music coming from a back room and wanders back to see the artist. He is surprised to find a small man, about one foot tall playing a small piano. He returns to the bartender and says,
"that's some musician you've got there, where on earth did you find him?"
the bartender replies,
"Oh, that, I have a genie here in the room behind the bar, would you like to see it?"

Of course the man says yes and is shown the way. As he enters the room he notices an Arabian style lamp and proceeds to rub it. -Poof- out comes a genie and grants him one wish. With little time to think the man says,
"I wish I had a million bucks."
-Poof- the genie disappears. He feels in his pockets but there is no money, but he can hear a terrible racket coming from the bar. He walks back in to the bar find hundreds of thousands of ducks running everywhere. He yells to the bartender,
"I think your genie is a little hard of hearing, I asked for a million bucks and instead got ducks!"
"Shit, I could have told you that, do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist."

April 6, 1997

Two animal jokes will follow.
Joke credited to Donald E. Chesnel. Thanks Donald :)

Four men and their wives had gathered at the home of a mutual friend for a barbecue. They were bragging about how smart their dogs were. There was an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist and a Government Worker.

The Engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square rotted over to a desk inside the house, took out some paper and a pen, promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was very clever.

The Accountant said his dog could do better. He said to his dog, "CPA, do your stuff."
CPA went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. The dog divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone thought this was good.

The Chemist was not impressed and said to his dog, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure went to the refrigerator, took out a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass and proceeded to pour out exactly eight ounces of milk without spilling a drop. Everyone was very impressed.

At this point the three men all turned to the Government Worker and one of them said, "OK, so what can your dog do?"

The Government Worker called to his dog, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped up, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the floor, sexually assaulted the other dogs, claiming he injured his back while doing so, filed a report citing unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and then went home on sick leave!!

---

Joke submitted by Sean Campbell. Thanks Sean :)

A guy, a pig, and a dog are the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance!

Well, that pig started looking better and better and pretty soon the guy rolled toward the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this and growled fiercely at the guy, until he removed his arm from the pig.

They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and low and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her and they slowly nursed her back to good health. When she was well enough they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, warm gentle breeze, perfect for romance, the four of them lying there. The guy started getting 'those' ideas again, so he leaned over toward the girl and said,
"Um...would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

April 13, 1997

April 20, 1997

April 27, 1997

This 'cutie' credited to Joe Almaguer@turner.com. Thanks Joe :)

• Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done."
  
• Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
• A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves. A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."
• My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.
• My Boss said to me: " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier."
• My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.
• I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is a bastard, too ... but at least I respect him.
• He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
• Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
• Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: "I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
• HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
• Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes."

May 4, 1997

This Schitt saga is credited to CPL FOLKEDAHL, BLT 2/1 ISC. Thanks CPL :)

I thought you might enjoy reading this extraordinarily funny account of the Schitt Family.

When someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt" now you'll know the rest of the story.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced six children.

Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after childbirth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens Brothers. The Schitt Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt.

Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

Now you know Jack Schitt!!!!!!!!!

May 11, 1997 -- Happy Mother's Day!!!

This useful "computer stuff" comparison came from Gwendolyn E Eckman. Thanks Gwendolyn :)

NT Chicken:

Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.

OS/2 Chicken:

It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.

Win 95 Chicken:

You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken.

Microsoft Chicken (TM):

It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.

OOP Chicken:

It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

Assembler Chicken:

First it builds the road ...

C Chicken:

It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken:

The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.

VB Chicken:

USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)

Delphi Chicken:

The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.

Java Chicken:

If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets.)

Web Chicken:

Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

Gopher Chicken:

Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Newton Chicken:

Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket!

Cray Chicken:

Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.

Quantum Logic Chicken:

The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice.

Lotus Chicken:

Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!

Mac Chicken:

No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.

COBOL Chicken:

0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
   PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
   VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
   ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE

ELSE
   GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING

May 18, 1997

The following jokes targeting at Christians and Jews came from Lori. Thanks Lori :)

An early Christian was being chased by a lion in ancient Rome. They went up and down the streets until they came to a blind alley. He knew this was the end as the lion was ready to pounce on him. Then, he got on his knees and prayed, "Lord, please make this lion Christian."

Suddenly, the lion stopped about two feet ahead of him, the lion went into a sitting position, he raised his front paws and said, "Lord, Bless this food we are about to receive."

---

A Rabbi and a Priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither cleric is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the Rabbi sees the Priest's collar and says, "So you're a Priest, that's interesting. I'm a Rabbi... WOW! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The Priest replied, "I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"

The Rabbi continued, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then he hands the bottle to the Priest. The Priest shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the Rabbi. The Rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Priest.

The Priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The Rabbi replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."

May 25, 1997

This joke is credited to Tomer Paz. Thanks Tomer :)

Once upon a time, in an absolute monarchy not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?"

One advisor, an electrical engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster."

The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?"

The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Wait 'til next week, and I'll show you a working prototype."

The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years."

"With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes."

"The ham-and-cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs."

"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too."

"We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Would-be diners won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v.8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook."

"Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80586 with 16MB of memory, a 1.2GB hard disk, and a SuperVGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller)."

The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and the kingdom lived happily ever after.

---

This bonus joke was submitted by Marita Pergler. Thanks Marita :)

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens the girls dated and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said:
"Hi, my name's Joe,
I'm here for Flo.
We're going to the show,
is she ready to go?"
The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said:
"My name's Eddie,
I'm here for Betty,
we're gonna get some spaghetti,
is she ready?"
Father felt this one was ok too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off:
"Hi, my name's Chuck ....."
and the farmer shot him.

June 1, 1997

Joke was submitted by Marita Pergler. Thanks Marita :)

NOAH's ARK - A Modern Tale

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark," said the Lord.

And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And six months passed.

The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

"Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet Code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission."

"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed Flood."

"Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe."

"And the IRS (The tax authorities) has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax."

"I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a Flood. Something Man invented himself."

"What's that?" asked Noah.

There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke:
"Government."

June 8, 1997

Joke submitted by Gary Englebretson. Thanks Gary :)

The new nurse was being shown her duties by the Old Charge Nurse at the rest home.

While going through the daily routines, the Old Charge Nurse advised that her main job was tocare for the elderly folks... Their needs and comforts were the primary concern of all the staff.

The new nurse, excited about her new job, and while diligently applying herself saw one particular old man, sitting on a wooden bench next to the lobby window. He sat without saying a word, just blankly staring out the window.

The new nurse, intrigued about the possible ravages of Alzheimer's on the old man's brain, saw him slowly leaning to the right... he was going to fall!! The new nurse rushes over, and gently rights the old man. Minutes later he begins to fall to the left!! Quickly jumping into action, the new nurse saves the old man from certain injury. But before she can walk away, there he goes again!!

This time, the new nurse places pillows on either side of the old man, propping him upright and keeping him in one place!

The Old Charge Nurse passes by, and asks the old man, "Mr. Johnson, how do you like our new nurse?"

The old man said, "She's OK, I just wish she'd let me fart!"

---

Bonus joke submitted by Steven Gerrard. Thanks Steven :)

There was a computer scientist who decided to escape the rat race and start a pig farm. He buys a farm, a bunch of pigs and realizes they're all girl pigs. Dumb mistake. Anyway he calls the neighbor pig farmer, explains his plight and the neighbor tells him to bring his pigs over to do their piggy thing, to create more. So the new pig farmer rounds up all his pigs, loads them into a truck, hauls them over to his neighbor's, several miles away, unloads them, lets them do their thing, loads 'em back up, goes home and unloads them.

When he gets home he realizes he's still pretty naive and doesn't know how to tell if the pigs doing their thing worked. So he calls the neighbor and asks him how to tell. The neighbor tells him, "you know that hill out behind your place, well, if it didn't work the pigs will be up on that hill wandering aimlessly. If it did take they'll be rolling around in the mud in the pen."

The next morning the farmer jumps out of bed, runs to the window and looks out to the pen. Not a pig to be seen. They're all wandering around up on the hill. So the farmer calls the neighbor and the neighbor tells him to bring them over again. So, the farmer rounds 'em up, loads 'em, let's them do it again and them comes home and unloads them. He's had a hard two days work. He flops into bed that night and falls instantly to sleep.

The next morning the farmer gets up, goes to the window and looks out to the pen. Again, not a pig to be seen. They're all wandering around up on the hill. So the farmer, very embarassed, calls the neighbor and takes them over again. This time the farmer is so worn out that he skips dinner and goes straight to bed.

The next morning he wakes up, dreading the view out the window, he asks his wife to look for him. He says, "are those pigs up on the hill again?" She says, "no, there are no pigs on the hill." The farmer sits up in bed, excitedly. "You mean they're all down in the mud in the pen?"

"No," she says. "Then where are they?" he asks, puzzled. She says, "They're all loaded up, down in the truck, honking the horn."

June 15, 1997 -- Today I'm 41 :( so here's appriopriate joke about aging. BTW, Happy Birthday June 15!!!

June 22, 1997

Twin brothers were named Joe and John Jones. The single brother was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street and mistaking him for John (whose wife had died) said "Oh, I am sorry to hear about your great loss. You must feel terrible".

Then Joe spoke up saying "Well I'm not the least worried. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like a dead fish and even the first time I got into her she made water faster than anything I had ever seen. The hole got bigger every time I used her, and she leaked like anything. But this is what finished her: Four guys from the other side of town were looking for a good time and asked if I'd rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't so hot, but they said they would take a crack at her anyhow. The result was the crazy fools all tried to get into her at the same time. It was too much for her.....She cracked right up the middle".

At this point the old lady fainted.

A is for Arteries.

You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you, you twit, she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B is for Bitter.

Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C is for Call ya later.

He won't. He never has before.

D is for Dumped.

Does D need to be explained?

E is for Eating like a pig.

Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F is for Friends.

That is what he just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at him.

G is for Gun.

And yes there is a waiting period.

H is for Horny.

Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I stands for I still hate him.

Odds are I always will, unless he calls me and offers to help me move.

J stands for Jim.

This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K stands for Kill.

L is for Love.

It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties. L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M stands for Mephistopheles.

That is who she worked for.

N stands for Necropheliac.

She didn't move very much, did she?

O is for On top.

When on top she has another O word.

P is for Pill.

She said she was on it. She lied. She is now suing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q is for Quitter.

He couldn't last.

R is for Rich little Bitch.

She bought my love but I paid for it.

S stands for Stab.

Stabbing would be fun. S is also for Susuan. Susan was the other girl that he was sleeping with. Susan is a bad person. Perhaps you should stab Susan.

T is for torture.

Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies. She even tortured you with whips and hand-cuffs.

U is for Understatement.

Saying you hate that fucking bitch is an understatement.

V is for Voluptuous.

That is the primary reason you were dating her in the first place.

W stands for Wine.

Wine is expensive. He loved wine, but he got drunk really fast from wine. After too much wine he liked to fuck. But after too much of it he also puked....and peed in the corner of the room.

X is for Xylophone.

Because X is always for xylophone.

Y stands for You suck!

Remember when she yelled that at you?

. stands for period.

Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

(I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED TO Z)

June 29, 1997

What the Doctor says

What the Doctor REALLY means

"This should be taken care of right away."

"I'd planned a trip to Kenya next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."

"We'll see."

"First I have to check my malpractice insurance."

"Let me check your medical history."

"I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."

"I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time."

"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."

"I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."

"I haven't the faintest idea of what to do, but I'm trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt."

"We have some good news and some bad news."

"The good news is that I'm going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is that you're going to pay for it."

"Let me schedule you for some tests."

"I have a 40% interest in the lab."

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."

"He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune."

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."

"I'm writing a paper and would like to use you as a guinea pig."

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."

"I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."

"I think I'm going to throw up."

"This may hurt a little."

"Last week two patients bit through their tongues."

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"

"I can't remember your name, nor why you're here."

"Everything seems to be normal."

"I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."

"I'd like to run some more tests."

"I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."

"Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"

"I think you are crazy and I hope to find a psychiatrist who will split fees."

"There is a lot of that going around."

"My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this."

July 6, 1997

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked the dusty caravan.

Men on camels, two by two

Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went.

Met three whores in a pop-up tent.

They was three, we was two,

So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

July 13, 1997

This joke came from Charlie Hill Thanks Charlie :)

What your car says about you

Acura Integra

I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars

Acura Legend

I'm too bland for German cars

Acura NSX

I am impotent

Audi 90

I enjoy putting out engine fires

Buick Park Avenue

I am older than 34 of the 50 states

Cadillac Eldorado

I am a very good Mary Kay salesman

Cadillac Seville

I am a pimp

Chevrolet Camaro

I enjoy beating the hell out of people

Chevrolet Chevette

I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette

Chevrolet Corvette

I'm in a mid-life crisis

Chevrolet El Camino

I am leading a militia to overthrow the government

Chrysler Cordoba

I dig the rich Corinthian leather

Datsun 280Z

I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well

Dodge Dart

I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower

Dodge Daytona

I delivered pizza for four years to get this car

Ford Crown Victoria

I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them

Ford Fairmont

(See Dodge Dart)

Ford Mustang

I slow down to 85 in school zones

Geo Storm

I will start the 11th grade in the fall.

Geo Tracker

I will start the 12th grade in the fall.

Honda Accord

I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.

Honda del Sol

I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all

Honda Civic

I have just graduated and have no credit

Infiniti Q45

I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.

Isuzu Impulse

I do not give a damn about J.D.. Power or his reports

Jaguar XJ6

I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.

Kia Sephia

I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.

Lamborghini Countach

I only have one testicle

Lincoln Town Car

I live for bingo and covered dish suppers

Mazda Miata

I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler

Mercury Grand Marquis

(See above)

Mercedes 500SL

I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph

Mercedes 560SEL

I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole

MGB

I am dating a mechanic

Mitsubishi Diamante

I don't know what it means either

Nissan 300ZX

I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.

Oldsmobile Cutlass

I just stole this car and I'm going to make a forturne off the parts

Peugeot 505 Diesel

I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List

Plymouth Neon

I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena

Pontiac Trans AM

I have a switchblade in my sock

Porsche 911 Turbo

I have a three inch thingie

Porsche 944

I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me

Saturn SC2

(See Honda Civic)

Subaru Legacy

I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu

Toyota Camry

I am still in the closet

Volkswagon Beetle

I still watch Partridge Family reruns

Volkswagon Cabriolet

I am out of the closet

Volkswagon Microbus

I am tripping right now

Volvo 740 Wagon

I am frightened of my wife

July 20, 1997

This joke credited to Blaine Thanks Blaine :)

After marrying a young woman, a ninety-six-year-old gentleman told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.

"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."

"Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear."

"EXACTLY!" replied the doctor.

July 27, 1997

August 3, 1997

Joke credited to Michael J. Irvin. Thanks Michael :)

Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.

He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."

"Well then, why don't you?" Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow."

August 10, 1997

How to Identify Where a Driver is From:

• One hand on steering wheel and one hand on horn: New York;
• One hand on steering wheel and one finger out window: Chicago;
• One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper while reading it and foot solidly on accelerator: Boston;
• One hand on steering wheel cradling cell phone & brick on accelerator: California;
• Same as above plus gun in lap: Los Angeles;
• Both hands on steering wheel, eyes completely shut both feet on brake and quivering in terror: Ohio but driving in California;
• Both hands in air gesturing wildly, both feet on accelerator and talking to someone in back seat: Italy;
• One hand on latter, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake and mind on game: Seattle;
• One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating both between both feet being on accelerator and both on brake while throwing a McDonald's bag out the window: Texas city male;
• One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out window, keeping speed steadily at 70 mph, driving down center of road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on left side of lane: Texas country male;
• One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show the different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush and rat-tail to keep helmet hair going, both feet on accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with Mother of Pearl inlaid handle in glove compartment: Texas female;
• Both hands on steering wheel, in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own and another's car: Colorado;
• One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving a gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with a Texas plate;
• Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male;
• Junker driven by someone who previously had an ice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas;
• Two hands gripping steering wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 mph on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver.

August 17, 1997

Mrs. Rapoport and Mrs. Schwartz were sitting around the lunchroom table at the senior citizens high rise.
"So, Mrs Rapoport. What's nu?"
"Vell" said Mrs. Rapoport, "Last night I vent out vith Mr. Stein, and he vas such a gentleman. Vhy, ven he came to the door to pick me up, he brought roses. Then ven ve vent out to eat, such a gentleman. He ordered lobster vith all the trimmings. Ven ve vent home, he held the door for me, but ven ve got into mine house, he ripped off all my clothes, dragged me to the bedroom and had his vay vith me. Oy, yoi, yoi..."
"Oh, mine goodness!" said Mrs Stein. "Why, I have a date with him tonight! What do you think I should do?"
"Vell, if I vere you, I vould vear old clothes............"

August 24, 1997

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied,

'Yes, sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game called Bridge, and last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you've got."
Another man said, "I've got strength but no length."
Another man says to the lady, "Take your hand off my trick!"
I pretty near dropped dead just then, when the lady answered, "You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise."
Another lady was talking about protecting her honor and two other ladies were talking and one said, "Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine."
Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't say, "Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber."'

Prison vs. Work

CHICKEN CAKE

• 1 lean chicken
• 2 legs
• 2 breasts
• 1 banana
• 2 nuts
• 1 cherry

August 31, 1997

Windows 95: n., 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

Dear Abby -

I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Army, and I have a second cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi hate literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supporters of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket Benny "The Fingers") and my aunt and kid sisters, who are well-known street walkers.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business. But -- I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers, once she has a chance to meet them.

In your opinion, Abby: Should I -- or shouldn't I -- let her know about my second cousin who works for Microsoft?

Regards,

Trouble in Seattle?

MICROSOFT TV DINNER PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: <\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//> Then enter: <ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme>.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter <ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap>. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging or the warranty is invalidated.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug, as your freezer should be defrosted periodically anyway.

September 7, 1997

Blind sport

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

"I am placed in the door and told when to jump"

"My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go"

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".

September 14, 1997

WHAT TO SAY WHEN PULLED OVER

• Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!
• Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
• I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
• Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
• Hi Officer, Do you mind holding my beer while I find my driver's license?
• You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
• "Bad Cop! No Donut!"
• I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.
• You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
• Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?
• Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.
• I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
• So, uh, you "on the take", or what?
• Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
• Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
• Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
• When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the video camcorder.
• Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

September 21, 1997

This joke is credited to Eric Marshall Mentz. Thanks Eric :)

Speedy Dads

One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bullseye!"

The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad's a civil servant, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!"

Spotted bumper-sticker:

September 28, 1997

This joke came from Larry Saunders. Thanks Larry :)

Airplane Politics

Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says "I'm going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy."

Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy."

Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he chimes in, "I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier."

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."

October 5, 1997

This week Microsoft released Internet Explorer 4.0. Those two pictures will help you celebrating this revolutionary event ;) Both of them came from Alex Wagner. Thanks Alex :)

October 12, 1997

This joke came from our frequent joker Gwendolyn E. Eckman. Thanks Gwen :)

Oldest Profession

The doctor remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam.  This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted and said "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering.  Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled, and said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

October 19, 1997

This joke came (again) from Larry Saunders. Thanks Larry :)

Adam & Eve

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I  want you to kiss her."  Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'"  So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."  And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'"  So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."  And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."  And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'"  So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"

October 26, 1997

This joke came from Lize Lubbe. Thanks Lize :)

What are you?

The newly-hatched snake and the newly-born rabbit came face to face. Both were so young their eyes had not yet opened. Neither knew what the other was so they decided to feel each other and make a guess.

First the snake slithered over the rabbit and then concluded: "You have warm fur, whiskers and long ears. You must be a bunny."

Then the rabbit ran its paws over the snake. "You are slippery and have no balls. You must be a politician."

November 2, 1997

This joke came from Sue Sevin. Thanks Sue :)

None for you!

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee.  He ran over and stomped it.

"That was a honey bee,"   his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without honey for a week."

A little while later, the boy saw a butterfly.  He ran over and stomped it.

"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."

The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast (no honey or butter).  Suddenly, a cockroach ran from under the stove and his mother stomped it.

The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or should I?"

November 9, 1997

This cute joke came from the business client Juergen Pfennigstorf. Thanks Juergen :)

Doctor's talk

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said: "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on: you open them up and everything inside is numbered".

The second said: "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on: you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order".

The third said: "I like to operate on electricians: you open them up and everything inside is color-coded".

The fourth said: "I like to operate on lawyers: they're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable".

The fifth surgeon said: "I like engineers: they understand you when you have a few parts left over at the end".

November 16, 1997

This hillarious joke came from my officemate Jim Craig. Thanks Jim :)

The Pope and the Jews...

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community; if the Jew won, the Jews could stay; if the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waived his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waived my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that god was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that god absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything! What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

November 23, 1997

Eleven things that sound politically incorrect
at Thanskgiving, but aren't.....

1. Reach in and grab the giblets.
2. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
3. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
4. Tying the legs together will keep the insides moist.
5. Talk about a huge breast!
6. "and he forced his way into the end zone..."
7. She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down.
8. It's Cool Whip time!!!!
9. If I don't unbuckle my pants, I'm going to burst!
10. It must be broken, cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out!
11. "All I want is stuffin'!"

November 30, 1997

December 7, 1997

This entertaining joke came from my ex-officemate and chili lover Steven Spruell. Thanks Steven :)

Chili Anyone?

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named RON EDLUND

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Kent, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet and security expert and therefore known and adored by all."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

* Chili # 1: Darlene's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE:

A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO:

Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.

RON EDLUND:

Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

* Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE:

Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO:

Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

RON EDLUND:

Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

* Chili # 3: Joel's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE:

Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO:

A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

RON EDLUND:

This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a !?##?!?%?~?! uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Mary." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

* Chili # 4: Pete's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE:

Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO:

Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

RON EDLUND:

I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Mary was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled ... it's kinda cute.

* Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE:

Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO:

Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

RON EDLUND:

My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Mary saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

* Chili # 6: Susanne's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE:

Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO:

The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

RON EDLUND:

My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Mary. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

* Chili # 7: Stearn's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE:

A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO:

Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

RON EDLUND:

You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Mary, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

* Chili # 8: Paris's Mount Saint Helens Chili

JUDGE ONE:

This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO:

A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

RON EDLUND:

Momma??!!

December 14, 1997

Christmas Controversies & Various Solutions

HOLIDAY FRUITCAKE RECIPE

Sample the whiskey and check for quality.

Take a large bowl.  Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.  Repeat.  Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay.  Cry another tup.  Turn off the mixer.  Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.  Mix on the tuner.  If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey and check for tonsisticity.  Next, sift two cups of salt.  Or something.  Who cares?  Check the whiskey.  Now sift the lemon uice and strain your nuts.  Add one table.  Spoon.  Of sugar of something.  Whatever you find.

Grease the oven.  Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.  Don't forget to beat off the turner.  Throw the bowl out of the window.  Check the whiskey again and go to bed.

December 21, 1997

12 days of Christmas

On the 1th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

The 12 Bugs of Christmas

For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

For the ninenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

December 28, 1997

This classic cartoon came from Alex Wagner, I have seen it before under "Polish Lovemaking" title. Thanks Alex :)

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