Fast Joke Access

Members of different nations discussed the happiest day of their lives. The Frenchman said that the happiest day of his live would be when he meets a pretty young lady, who will become his lover, would be always nice to him, be available day or night...
The American said, that it would be when he inherits his family business. And after making successful strategic changes in his organization, the stock value of the company raises five points on a market.
And than the Russian said: "When I hear heavy kicking to my doors at 3:00 am."
"Petrov?!"
"No, next floor!"

The only Polish joke that offended me:
A Pollack came to Chicago's bar and ordered a drink. The news was on, there was a guy standing on a ledge of the top floor of a Sears Tower, ready to jump. So Pollack yelled to bartender:
"Hey buddy, I gonna bet ya 20 bucks, he ain't gonna jump."
The bartender accepted the challenge. Thirty minutes later the 'Sears guy' jumped. So, Pollack removed $20 and put it on a counter. The bartender told him to keep his money because:
"an hour earlier I have seen the news, and I knew that he would jump, so it would not be fair to keep your money"
and Pollack replied:
"Keep the money, you won. I watched the same news an hour ago, but I could not believe he would jump for the second time"

After having marital problems with her husband, a wife recommended that he sees a psychologist. He went and the doctor told him, that he will draw something and ask him what he sees in that picture. So he drew:

"What do you see?"
"Jee, that's easy. It is a single bed with a couple in it making love to each other like crazy"
"OK. Let me draw another one"

"What do you see this time?"
"Let me think. Jee, that's easy. It is a king size bed with two couples in it making love to each other like crazy"
"OK. Let me draw one more"

"What do you see?"
"That's more difficult. Oh, I know. It is an airport hall with 100 couples in it making love to each other like crazy"
"I can see, I know what your problem is! You're sexually obsessed."
"Doctor, you draw those dirty pictures and say that I am obsessed. Than you, not me, must be sexually obsessed!!!

A prominent Russian scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a verbal command ("Jump!"). In a first stage of experiment he removed flea's leg, told her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook:
"Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly."
So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he wrote again:
"Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly."
Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again:
"Upon removing the next leg all flea organs function properly."
Than he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the leg less flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion:
"Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing"

In communist Poland (circa 1960-1980), the most hated by society where Polish policemen, called "Milicja" :(
There IQs were counted (by Polish vox-populi), by using fingers of one person. Here is the joke:

Two Polish Policemen were stopped by a foreigner, who was lost, and badly needed help. He tried to communicate to them:
"Govoritie po Russki?"
No answer.
"Sprechen sie Deutch?"
Again, no answer.
"Parlez vous Francais?"
Same result.
"Parlate Italiano?"
No comprehension.
"Tit Kellem bil-Malti?" /* That's in Maltese for all of you Polyglots */
The tourist could not go anywhere, so disappointed he went looking for help elsewhere.
After he left, one policeman asked the other:
"Listen, ain't you ashamed? Maybe we should go to school and learn foreign languages..."
"Are you stupid??? This guy spoke at least five languages!!! Did it help him any???"

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Bonus joke donated by Mother, Agnes:

A mother duck and her duckling and a mother skunk and her baby were crossing a highway when a truck came along and killed both of the mothers. The baby duck cried
"What to do, I don't even know what I am!"
The babe skunk replied:
"You look like a duck and walk like a duck, so you must be a duck. But I don't know what I am either!"
The baby duck replied:
"Well, you're half black and half white and your mother was just killed, so you must be one of O.J.'s kids!!"

A big line in front of the Russian Superstore has been formed. The doors were locked. Everybody was waiting patiently for shoes. After half an hour of waiting. The manager of the store came and announced:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a sad news to tell you, there is not enough shoes for everybody! Therefore, I recommend that all off you Jews step off the line."
As he said, all the Jews left the line. The line was still very big. After another hour, the same manager came and announced:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a sad news to tell you, there is not enough shoes for everybody! Therefore, I recommend that all off you women and children step off the line."
They left. The line was still long. The manager came half an hour later and told the crowd:
"Gentlemen, I have a sad news to tell you, there is not enough shoes for everybody! Therefore, I recommend that all off you, who are not the party members since 1950 step off the line."
They left as well. The line was still long. An hour later the manager came and said:
"Comrades, you're the best cream of the crop. I can tell you the naked trough, there is no shoes at all! Therefore, you can all go home."
And then one of the people in line told the other:
"You see Kola, it's always like that! Always those god damn Jews get the best!!!"

At the Red Plaza in Moscow parades the soldier with only one shoe.
"Sasha, did you loose your shoe somewhere?"
"Not, I found it"

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Question to Radio Erevan:
"Is that true that at the Red Plaza in Moscow they're giving away Volga cars?"
"Yes, but not exactly."
"First of all not at the Red Plaza, but on Minskij Prospect."
"Secondly, not in Moscow, but in Leningrad."
"Thirdly, not Volga cars, but bicycles."
"And finally, not giving away, but stealing."

---

Acceptance procedure to the Komsomol (Communist Youth) organization:
"Do you drink?"
"No, I don't!"
"Do you smoke?"
"No way!"
"Are you running after girls?"
"No, I don't!"
"So, would you give away your life for the Mother Russia?"
"Sure. Why the hell do I need such life!"

The International competition in modern Triathlon just started. For all of you not familiar with the rules of this sport, here they are:

Win a fight with a world famous wrestler

Shake hand of a female bear

Have a sexual intercourse with an Eskimo woman

Those who loose a round are eliminated from the competition.
The first competitor, a Greek, lost to the wrestler and got eliminated.
Next, a Frenchman, did not shake the hand of the bear, got out of the competition as well.
An American champion did much better, but could not succeed with the Eskimo woman, got out as well.
As the last challenger, was the Russian master. He won easily with the wrestler, and went to the room with a bear. He spent there good half an hour, while the terrible sounds of the man and the beast have been heard from that room. He came scratched all over and bleeding, but extremely happy. With a big smile on his face he asked:
"Where is that Eskimo lady, that I have to shake her hand?"

Three antropologists went to Africa to learn about the jungle tribes. They got lost and caught by very vicious local tribe. The tribe ruler told them:
"You have violated seriously our law. I'll give you a choice: either boola or death."
The first antropologist did no know what boola was, but chose it anyway. A huge member of a tribe came and had anal intercourse with him. The second one chose boola as well. Third scientist was very religious, so he could not face living with a shame of boola. When asked, he answered:
"I choose to die."
Then the ruler called the biggest member of the tribe and told him:
"Boola him to death!"

A person went to a restaurant and ordered a hamburger. When the waiter brought it, he noticed a hair sticking from the meat. Annoyed, he requested for a replacement. The second one had the hair in it as well. He got really upset and requested to talk to the manager. Manager told him:
"Let me explain. We have here only one cook. He has one arm. So, when he mixes the hamburgers, he puts the meat and spices under his arm."
The customer got really mad and told them, that he will write about it to the local newspaper. The manager told him:
"You're lucky you did not order a doughnut."

There were two friends in Russia. Both of them were drunks. One of them was happy, while another sad. The happy one asked the other:
"Tell me, what's buggin' ya?"
"You see, when I come home drunk, my wife locks a door. I have to walk the streets for many hours, and get into trouble with police. They want to get rid off me at work. Nothing to cheer about."
"You know, I had that problem in the past, but found a solution. I am undressing naked at the stairways, press a bell button. When my wife opens a door, I throw my clothes inside. She is affraid of the scandal, so she lets me in."
"You know, I gonna try it."
Few weeks later they meet again and the sad guy is even worse than usual.
"What happend? Did you try my method?"
"Let me tell you. I undressed, pressed the button. The door opened. I threw all of my clothes, the doors closed. And then I heard: The next station - Red Square"

A Jewish salesman came in business to a new city. After successfull work he felt like having fun. He wanted to find a local 'Place of Pleasure', but was ashamed to ask for the address. Instead he asked the first met Jew:
"Where does the local Rabbi live?"
"1265 Main" - was the answer
"So, he lives accross the whorehouse?"
"Are you crazy?! The whorehouse is at 2342 Main."

An old joke I've heard in Poland. Replaced 'Bulgaria' with 'Hawaii' and 'zlotys' (Polish currency) with '$':
There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so. One day they came with an idea -- each time they have sex, they will put $20.00 bill into piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year. After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank. The husband looked at their savings and said:
"Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into piggy. But here we have many $50.00 and a few $100.00 bills."
The wife replied:
"Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?"

A husband came home and astonished told his wife:
"Could you believe it? I overheard our janitor saying that he had sex with all women in our appartment building, but one!?"
The wife replied:
"She must be that dumb redhead from apartment 405!"

A boy came home and found his mother in bed, semi-nude, caressing herself and screaming:
"I want a man! I need a man!"
The next few days the same event took place. A week later, when he came home he's seen a man in his mother's bed. This evening his mother passed by his room and seen him laying in bed, semi-nude caressing himself and screaming:
"I want a bicycle! I need a bicycle!"

During WW2 German and Italian generals were preparing to the battle. The German general requested:
"Hans, bring me my red coat!"
The Italian could not believe it:
"Are you mad? The enemy will spot you like a fox and shoot you in no time!"
The German replied:
"Well, you maybe right. But if they shoot me, the blood will not show on my red coat and nobody will notice that I got hit. So it'll boost the morale of my army.
The Italian general replied:
"You made your point. Luigi get me brown pants!"

Back to Russia...
A guy prepaid for the car of his dreams-Lada and got the invitation from the office regarding his car. He went there and spoke to the clerk, who informed him:
"Your car will be delivered on October 26, 2005"
"But, would it be in the morning or in the afternoon" - the happy car owner to be asked
"Why should you care? It's still 10 years to go!" - was the reply
"'Cause in that morning I have already appointment with the plumber."

The parents of the 5-year old boy wanted to have sex, so while in bed, they sent him to the balcony. They requested he tells them what he sees, while they were fulfilling their desires. The boy commented:
"There is a car driving by."
"The paper boy just arrived."
"There are many pigeons on the sidewalk."
"A mother next door took her baby for a walk"
...
"Our neighbors across are screwing."
The parents asked:
"How do you know?"
"'Cause they sent their son to the balcony."

This joke is over 20 years old, I find it still funny:

What is a quartet?
The Grand Russian Philharmonic Orchestra after performances in the US.
What is a duet?
The same Orchestra after conversation with the KGB.

A married couple went on a separate vacations. First the husband went. A week after his departure his wife receives a telegram:
"Sell our radio, send me $50."
A week later:
"Sell our TV. Send me $200."
And finally:
"Sell our car. Send me $2000."
Thereafter she went on vacation. First day she sends a telegram:
"I am sending you $200. Buy a radio."
A week later:
"I am sending you $800. Buy TV."
And finally:
"I am sending you $8000. Buy a car."

The president of the United Sates and the Prime Secretary of the Communist party of Russia have met again. Among discussed topics, they wanted to know, whose private secretary is more loyal to his boss. The US president called his and asked him to jump through the window, which happened to be at the fourth floor. His secretary replyed:
"Are you crazy! I have a wife and two children!"
...and did not jump. Then the Russian called his and asked him to jump. The guy opened the window... and jumped. US president felt bad about the whole situation, so he run downstairs, and said to the hurting Russian:
"You did not have to jump, we were not really serious."
"I had to jump! I have a wife and two children!"

Four 'Marsians' are in an alley shooting drugs, using the same needle. Another druggie walks by and says:
"You idiots! Don't you know about AIDS?!"
One of the 'Marsians' replies:
"Of course we do! We're all wearing condoms!"

From last election. Can become again handy:

Members of different nations discussed their progress in medicine. The French doctor said:
"We can transplant a liver, so the next week a patient can go looking for a job"
The German said:
"We can transplant both liver and kidney so the next week a patient can go looking for a job"
The Russian said:
"We can transplant a liver, a kidney and a heart so the next week a patient can go looking for a job"
And then the American:
"We can transplant a liver, a kidney, a heart and an idiot into White House, so the next week the entire nation go looking for a job"