Roman's Joke-of-the-Week Archive (1996)Roman's Joke-of-the-Week Archive (1996)
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1995 ArchiveJanuary 7, 1996January 14, 1996January 21, 1996January 28, 1996February 4, 1996February 11, 1996February 18, 1996February 25, 1996March 3, 1996March 10, 1996March 17, 1996March 24, 1996March 31, 1996April 7, 1996April 14, 1996April 21, 1996April 28, 1996May 5, 1996May 12, 1996May 19, 1996May 26, 1996June 2, 1996June 9, 1996June 16, 1996June 23, 1996June 30, 1996July 7, 1996July 14, 1996July 21, 1996July 28, 1996August 4, 1996August 11, 1996August 18, 1996August 25, 1996September 1, 1996September 8, 1996September 15, 1996September 22, 1996September 29, 1996October 6, 1996October 13, 1996October 20, 1996October 27, 1996November 3, 1996November 10, 1996November 17, 1996November 24, 1996December 1, 1996December 8, 1996December 15, 1996December 22, 1996December 29, 19961997 ArchiveCurrent Jokes (1998)
The Queen Elizabeth hosted an international party. She ate some mushrooms, that did not agree
with her to well. As a result she produced gas.
The first time it happened, the American ambassador stood up and said:
"I apologize, I have a sick stomach" - and left the party.
At the second time, the French ambassador stood up and said:
"I apologize, I have a sick stomach" - and left the party.
The gas disturbed the Queen again, so the Russian ambassador stood up and said:
"The full responsibility for the third fart of the Queen Elizabeth is to be
credited to the Russian delegation!"
A shepherd leaves his shepherd house with the words:
"If you only knew, my sweet sheep, how to cook."
A man stops a car in a middle of nowhere. While showing his big knife to the driver, he tells him to masturbate.
The driver obeys. Consequently he is asked to do so three more times, until exostion. Then the man with a knife calls:
"Mary, get out of the bushes! This gentleman will give you a ride to the town!"
Two jokes donated by Pamela A. Fryer. Thanks Pamela :)
In the days when Hillary was trying to reform the American health
care system she decided she needed a tour of a D.C. hospital. On the
tour she came to a room on the male urology ward with the door closed.
She opened the door and screamed for on the bed was a nurse giving the
patient a hand job. Her doctor tour guide reassured her that
everything was O.K. and that the patient had a disease of the
testicles which required the collection of a sperm sample twice per
day to ensure that the medication was working.
Hillary was not pleased but continued on the tour until she came to
a second door, also closed which she proceeded to open. What she saw
reduced her to hysterics for inside was a nurse giving the patient a
blow job. The doctor went over to the bed and read the patients chart and said:
"What an amazing coincidence! This man has the very same disease of the testicles except
he has a better medical plan!"
Hillary and the doctor come to a third room where a patient is jacking
himself off, and the doctor looks at his chart and says:
"This patient only has an HMO."
Poem donated by Bob Grissom. Thanks Bob :) -- though he does not take credit for writing it, just finding on the Net.
As a computer nerd and father of 21-month old baby, I really enjoyed reading it. Hope you like it too!
Credited to Mark Mostert. Thanks Mark :)
Heard from Gwen Eckman. Thanks Gwen :) - Author unknown.
| Temperature | Action |
|---|---|
| Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe) | |
| Miami residents turn on the heat | |
| You can see your breath Californians shiver uncontrollably Minnesotans go swimming | |
| Italian cars don't start | |
| Water freezes | |
| You plan your vacation to Australia Minnesotans put on T-shirts Politicians begin to worry about the homeless British cars don't start Your boogers freeze | |
| Boston water freezes Californians weep pitiably Minnesotans eat ice cream Canadians go swimming | |
| You can hear your breath Politicians begin to talk about the homeless New York City water freezes Miami residents plan vacation further South | |
| French cars don't start You plan a vacation in Mexico Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you | |
| Too cold to ski You need jumper cables to get the car going | |
| You plan your vacation in Houston American cars don't start | |
| Alaskans put on T-shirts Too cold to skate | |
| German cars don't start Eyes freeze shut when you blink | |
| You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects Miami residents cease to exist | |
| Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you Politicians actually do something about the homeless Minnesotans shovel snow off roof Japanese cars don't start | |
| Too cold to think You need jumper cables to get the driver going | |
| You plan a two week hot bath The Mighty Monongahela freezes Swedish cars don't start | |
| Californians disappear Minnesotans button top button Canadians put on sweaters Your car helps you plan your trip South | |
| Congressional hot air freeze Alaskans close the bathroom window | |
| Hell freezes over Polar bears move south |
How many panties does Polish woman have?
Six: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday is a laundry day!
How many panties does French woman have?
Five: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Weekend - no need!
How many panties does Russian woman have?
Twelve: January, February, March, ...
Heard recently on the Net - Author unknown.
The Republican party did a background check on Pat Buchanan and learned that one of his close
relatives was killed in a German Nazi camp... He fell of the guards tower.
A tourist got lost in the mountains and was getting dark. He was scared, but somehow found a shepherd house
and asked for a shelter. He was told to sleep in the opposite side of the house than the shepherd. He was getting ready to
sleep, when he overheard some strange voices from the host part of house. He approached and noticed a shepherd and
a sheep doing something in a dark, so he asked what was going on, and the reply was:
"I'm having sex with a sheep!"
"Can I try it?"
"Sure! Pick one and go for it!"
So, he went, picked a sheep and repeated what he'd seen few minutes earlier. Then later he heard the shepherd laughing.
Then he asked with embarrassment:
"Do I do something wrong?"
"Nope, you're doin' fine, Sir. I'm laughing, 'cause you've chosen the ugliest one!"
Joke donated by Don R. Denton. Thanks Don :)
The latest KGB candidate class was nearing graduation. As a test, three of the best candidates
were to be put to a loyalty test. Each candidate and their wives were summoned to a group of
offices at the KGB academy. The men were in one room, the wives in another, and the examiners in
another.
The first candidate was called into the examination room. One of the examiners placed a gun on
the table and explained that the candidate is to pickup the gun, go in the other room, and shoot
his wife in the head.
The candidate hardly even thinks about it before stating that he can't do it. There's no way that
he could shoot his wife!
The second candidate is called into the examination room. He, too, is asked to go into the other
room and shoot his wife in the head. He thinks about it for a while and says that he just couldn't
do that.
Finally, the third candidate is called into the examination room. After hearing the request, he
thinks about it for a while but eventually picks up the gun and goes into the other room.
Immediately, there is a bang heard from the room holding the wives. Then, five more bangs in quick
fashion. After that, there is the sound of a scuffle and furniture being knocked over. A moment
later, he emerges from the room with his hair all messed up, scratches on his face, and his clothes
torn.
One examiner asked, "what happened?"
He replied, "some jerk put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle her!"
Joke heard on the Net. Author unknown:
Question: What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary right before sex?
Answer: I'll see you in an hour.
Joke heard on the Net. Author unknown:
Posted on the Net by Andrew M. Sikorski. Reproduced without permission. Thanks Andrew :)
Two three guys jokes donated by David Truong. Thanks David :)
There were three messangers of god that never sinned before and only did
good deeds. One day god said to them that since they have been so good,
they could each do one bad thing without being punished. The three
messangers leave to do thier chosen bad deeds. The first messanger
returns to god. God asks him "what did you do?" and the messanger
replies "I raped someone", so god tells the messanger to go drink the holy
water. The second messanger returns and god asks him the same question.
This messanger tells god that he has robbed the bank and once again god
tells him to go drink the holy water. The third messanger returns and is
asked the same question by god. He replies "I peed in the holy water".
Four different style jokes donated by Idan York. Thanks Idan :)
Two guys from Arkansas are driving a garbage truck when they come to an
overpass that reads: ""
The guys get out and measure the truck, finding that it's over 13 feet
tall.
One guy says, "What do you suppose we do?"
The other guy says, "I don't see any cops. I say we go for it!"
Story heard at work /NASA/ :)
When Apollo Mission Astronout Neil Armstrong first walked on the Moon,
he not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, Leap for Mankind"
statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual com trafffic
between him, the other astronouts and Mission Control. Before he
reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival
Soviet Cosmonout; however, upon checking there was no Gorsky in either
the Russian nor American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good
luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while
answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year
old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky
had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the
backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his
neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he
leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky:
"Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on
the Moon!"
Donated (again) by Bob Grissom. Thanks Bob for your frequent contributions :)
Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T say out loud in "Victoria's Secret":
#10 Does this come in children's sizes?
#9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7 Mom will love this.
#6 Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it?
#5 No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
#2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
...and the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in "Victoria's Secret":
#1 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
Donated by Gupta, Sanjeev. Thanks Sanjeev for your contribution :)
One lady while away from her home was looking for overnight accomodation. She managed to get a place where two brothers
used to live. They had only one bed to sleep so this lady slept in
the middle of them. At night one of the brothers got up and asked the lady if she wants to have it. Girl says:
"Yes, But why don't you wear this condom so that I don't have a child?"
He agrees. They had sex and then they slept.
After a while the other brother gets up and asks the girl if she wants to have it. She says:
"Yes, But why don't you wear this condom so that I don't have a child?"
They had sex and then they slept. In the morning the girl leaves. After a few weeks the brothers are talking. Says the first:
"Do you care if that lady gets a child?"
"No!" - says the other
"Neither do I, then why don't we take these damn things off?"
This week we have a joke feast: Three great jokes!!! They are listed in order they were received. Please keep your donations flowin'... :)
Joke donated by my Mother Agnes. Thanks Mom for your contribution :)
Back to Russia circa Gorbachev' time:
A guy enters a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says:
"One rouble, please!"
The guy protests:
"How come? Yesterday the beer was only 50 kopecks!"
"Yes," the bartender answers, "but now we have to pay a surcharge -- tax for 'glasnost' (openness)."
The guy ponders for a while and finally says:
"Okay, I am for glasnost, I support it!"
He puts one rouble on the bar. The bartender gives him 50 kopecks change. The guy is surprised:
"You have just told me..."
Then bartender replies:
"Yes, yes, but there is NO beer!"
A man dressed only in his swimsuit with a towel runs through Sahara desert. A passing by caravan stops and informs him that:
"The closest water is 500 miles away!"
"O shit! Such a big beach!"
Joke donated by Stephen Hansley. Thanks Stephen :)
Astronauts landed on a planet made up only of women. The leader of the
planet came out, fascinated with the men and started a conversation.
The men, naturally curious asked the leader, "How do you repopulate the
planet without men?"
The leader said, "Thats easy, let me show you."
She took the Astronauts into a large building where there was a huge vat
of fluid. One of the women would stand over the fluid with a large
paddle, stirring and stirring and stirring. After a while she pulls a
baby out.
The Astronaut, surprised and amazed said, "Now on earth, we do
it a little different."
The leader asked, "Please show me."
The Astronaut took her into a room and came out an hour later. She had a big
grin on her face but then asked, "That's interesting but where's the
baby?"
The Astronaut said, "Oh, that comes nine months later."
She then asked, "Well, why did you quit stirring?"
Joke donated by 15-year old Edwin Lee author of his
Home Page -- worth seeing. Thanks Edwin :)
| American | Brits | Canadian |
|---|---|---|
| Care very deeply about civil rights & preserving them; to extremedegrees in some cases. | N/A | Couldn't care less about these things, especially when "I have nothing to hide". More concerned about an *orderly* society than a free one. |
| Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves. | N/A | Believe that that's the government's job. |
| Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness. | N/A | Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them. |
| Are deeply religious, or make a strong point of posturing as such. | N/A | Are somewhat less religious, and keep it to themselves. |
| Rudeness is more efficient. | N/A | Do their best to be polite to others. |
| Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box. | N/A | Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels. |
| Love to watch sports on the idiot box. | Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other fans. | Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them. |
| Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball. | Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby. | Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey and how they beat the Americans once, playing baseball. |
| Are talkative, friendly & outgoing with visitors. | N/A | Are reserved, withdrawn, and often suspicious of strangers. |
| Are loud, boisterous, obnoxious as tourists. | N/A | Are polite, low-profile, sensitive (perhaps even timid) tourists. |
| Spell words differently, but still call it "English". | Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English". | Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans. |
| Are afraid to walk the street of their large cities at night. | N/A | Are unafraid to walk the streets of their cities. |
| Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country. | Sensibly stay home at night instead of going out. | Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country. |
| Tend to think that guns are very cool, and fun too. | N/A | Tend to think that guns are inherently uncool. |
| Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer. | Drink warm, beery-tasting piss. | Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer. |
| Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect. | Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are anyhow inherited things. | Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect. |
| Are awed by wealth and success. | N/A | Are awed by correctness and mediocrity. |
| Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly, and dump their old ways. | Encourage immigrants to go to Canada or America. | Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways, and avoid assimilation. |
| Are disliked everywhere in the world, with the exception of Canada. | N/A | Are tolerated everywhere in the world; frequently even liked - with the exception of America, Somalia, and other places where the Airborne have been. |
| Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less. | Endure oppressively wet & dreary winters, and are proud of it. | Endure bitterly cold winters, and are proud of it. |
| Think that these people are American! | Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them because they don't understand subtle humour. | Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin Short, Lorne Michaels (SNL producer), Jim Carrey, Michael O'Donohue (SNL writer), Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV. |
| Are obsessed with the President, his family, and even their cat! | Are obsessed with the Queen, and royal family peccadillos. | Would gladly settle for Prince Charles having an affair with a Canadian girl. |
| Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their citizens. | N/A | Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian. |
| Are obsessive consumers; think that "shopping" is a form of recreation! | N/A | Are picky consumers at best; hate spending money. |
| Are generally obese, and find no shame in that. | N/A | Are generally fit, but take little pride in that. |
A rabbit was running through the forrest and announcing to all animals that he is writing
the Master Thesis on 'Why the Wolves are dumber than the Rabbits'. When a wolf heard that,
he run after the rabbit. They got into the bushes; there was heard a shaking noise and than the wolf
with vibrating voice proclaimed:
"That's true, the rabbits are smarter than the wolves!"
Afterwards, the wolf came out of bushes with broken hand, hanging ear and messed up fur. He was
followed by a bear, who, while waving his hands to remove unwanted stuff, said:
"It ain't matter who writes the thesis, it matters who is the advisor!"
Joke donated by George Meller. Thanks George :)
The Polish International Committe decided to do something about Poles
being victims of stupid jokes and show the world their brilliance.
A team of Polish Civil Engineers was commissioned to build the most
advanced and the most beautiful bridge. The completed the task, having
built it in the Sahara Desert. When they came for appreciation and
blessing by the Pope, he was embarassed and insisted that the bridge
in demolished, as being in the desert is an embarassment and proof of
stupidity and not the contrary intended.
The team went to the Sahara, and came back despondent reporting -
regret cannot demolish the bridge - there are over a hundred IRISHMEN
trying to fish off it.
Q: How do we know that the Russian came to the cocks fight?
A: He Brought a duck.
Q: How do we know that there were Italians?
A: They bet on a duck.
Q: How do we know that there were Mafia among them?
A: The duck won!
Joke submited by Tim Bowersox. Thanks Tim :)
Q: What do a tornado, a hurricane and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: Sure as shit, someone`s going to lose a trailer!
Joke submited by Christopher D. Wolf. Thanks Christopher :)
Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A: Quarterpounder with cheese!
Joke submited by Kyra Smith
The moral of the story is that
not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy, but not everyone who gets
you out of shit is your friend. If you're warm and happy, keep your big
mouth closed!
Submited by Bob Grissom. Thanks Bob :)
Submited by Krzysztof F. Plizga. Thanks Krzysztof :)
It was the 1st day of school. The 2nd grade teacher asked some of her
students to tell the class a story of something that had happened to
them over the summer break in which they learned a moral.
The first student stood up and said, "Well, I went to my father's farm,
and one day we counted the eggs in the chicken coop to see how many
chicks we would get, but that night a wolf came and ate 1/2 of the eggs.
The moral I learned was don't count your chickens before they're
hatched." "Very good," said the teacher.
The second student stood up and said, "Well, one day my mother sent me
to the market to get some milk, and on my way home, I got beat up by the
neighbor bully who spilled my milk all over the ground. I went home
crying to my mother. And she said not to cry over spilled milk. "Very
good," said the teacher.
Then Little Johnny stood up and said, "My father told me one of his war
stories, and it went like this. He was stranded in a fox hole with only
one bottle of Jack Daniels, 12 rounds of ammo, and 2 grenades. Well, he
drank the whiskey, then the enemy came. He shot up 12 guys, and blew up
20 more with the grenades." "Well, what moral could you have possibly have
gotten from such a story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't fuck with my dad when he's drunk."
Submited by Krzysztof F. Plizga. Thanks Krzysztof :)
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an attractive young lady.
In a short while, they strike up a conversation. The guy asks the lady
what she does for a living and she tells him that she is a grad student.
"Oh, really. What are you studying?", he asks.
"Physiology," she responds.
"Any specific area?" he inquires.
"As a matter of fact," she says, "I'm studying the size of the human penis."
"So, what race has the largest?" he asks.
"Well," she says, "there are two ways to measure: size and
length. The longest on average are the American Indians and the widest
on average are the Irish. But really, that's enough about me. Who are
you, and what do you do?"
"Let me introduce myself," he says, "my name is Geronimo O'Reilly!"
Submited by Krzysztof F. Plizga. Thanks Krzysztof :)
From IRS
All Male Taxpayers
Dear Taxpayer:
The only thing that the Internal Revenue Service has not taxed is you
pecker. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging
around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it
is hard up, and 10% of the time it is employed, but it operates in the
hole. Furthermore, it has two dependents, both of which are nuts.
In accordance with IRC, after January 1, 1997, your pecker will be
taxed, based on its size, using the "Pecker-Checker scale" as listed
below. Determine your category and insert additional tax under "other
taxes".
10-12 inches---------Luxury Tax--------$50
8-10 inches-----------Pole Tax----------$25
6-8 inches-------------Privilege Tax----$15
4-6 inches-------------Nuisance Tax----$5
Note: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
DO NOT: Apply for an Extension.
Males with a pecker in excess of 12 inches should file under Schedule D - Capital Gains.
Submited by Krzysztof F. Plizga. Thanks Krzysztof :)
A few days after Christmas, a Mother working in her kitchen was
listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the
living room. She heard the train stop and then heard her son say,
"All of you sons-of-bitches who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause
this is the last stop. And, all of you sons-of-bitches who are gettin'
on, get your asses in the train 'cause we're leaving!".
The Mother went in and told Little Johnny, "We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room for two
hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you
to use nicer language."
Two hours later, Little Johnny came out of the bedroom and resumed
playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the Mother heard her
son say,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take
all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today,
and we hope that you will ride with us again soon. For those of you
just boarding, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under your
seat or in the overhead racks. Remember that there is no smoking except
in the Club Car. We hope that you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of
the two hour delay, please see the Bitch in the kitchen."
Submited by Johann Xavier Rourke. Thanks Johann X. :)
A guy rushes to the hospital after hearing his wife was in a terrible
accident, a doctor takes him a side and says
"your wife's condition is critical, and sir, if you dont mind, a recent study has shown that oral
sex, signifigantly increase recovery times. So if you would be willing,
we could give you and your wife some privacy..."
the man shrugs
"sure doc if you think it will help"
...the doctor steps out of the room and closes the door behind him, several moments later,
alarms sound from her room, the doctor bursts into the room...
"what happened?"
the rather confused man replied.
"I don't know Doc, I think she choked."
Submited by Carmel P. Romano. Thanks Carmel P. :)
There was a small town where the residents didn't now what
fidelity in marriage is. However, they used to confess their
sin every week at the local church. The priest got tired of
this, everybody describing during confession how many times
they sinned. So he told the people to tell him that they
fell behind the church and not mention the sex part at all.
Everyone got used to the new way of confessing.
Some years later, a new priest came to town because the old
one had passed away. He couldn't understand why people came
to confess their slips behind the church and decided to talk
to the mayor about it.
Priest, "It seems that the pavement behind the church needs
some arrangement as many people tell me that they slip
behind the church"
The Mayor laughed his heart out.
Priest, "Don't you laugh at me! Your wife slipped two times last week!"
Two jokes submited by Abbe Faria. Thanks Abbe :)
A young couple wed and move to a farm. The groom sees a small locked box and
asks his new bride about it.
"That's just my secret, woman things," she says.
The groom accepts that, and never asks about it again. Fifty years go by, and
the man happens to come across the box one day. The temptation is too much for
him, so he picks the lock. Inside are three eggs and $20,000 in cash. He takes
it to his wife and confesses what he did.
"I guess that's okay," she says. "After all these years, there shouldn't be any
secrets between us."
"Why are there three eggs in there?" he asks.
"Well," she says, "whenever we had sex and it wasn't very good, I'd put in an
egg."
He looks at the three eggs and thinks about their fifty years together and
decides that's not too bad. "But where did the money come from?" he asks.
"Well," she says, "every time there were a dozen eggs, I'd take them to town and
sell them."
Donated by Steven Spruell. Thanks Steven :)
Found on Internet, author unknown. Thanks Internet :)
| Love | Lust | Marriage |
|---|---|---|
| when your eyes meet across a crowded room. | when your tongues meet across a crowded room. | when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care. |
| when intercourse is called making love. | all other times. | what's intercourse? |
| when you share everything you own. | when you think twice about giving your partner bus money. | when the bank owns everything. |
| when you argue over how many children to have. | when you argue over who gets the wet spot. | when you argue over money. |
| when it doesn't matter if you don't climax. | when the relationship is over if you don't climax. | what's a climax? |
| when you phone each other just to say "Gidday". | when you phone each other just to organize sex. | when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts. |
| when you write poems about your partner. | when all you write is your phone number. | when all you write is cheques. |
| when you show concern for your partners' feelings. | when you couldn't give a shit. | when your only concern is what's on TV. |
| when your farewell is "I love you darling ...". | when your farewell is "So, same time next week?". | when your farewell is silent. |
| when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner. | when you only ever see each other in the bedroom. | when you never see each other awake. |
| when your heart flutters everytime you see them. | when your groin twitches everytime you see them. | when your wallet empties everytime you see them. |
| when nobody else matters. | when nobody else knows. | when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows. |
| when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel. | when it's just the same mushy old shit. | when you never listen to music. |
| when breaking up is something you try not to think about. | when staying together is something you try not to think about. | when just getting through today is your only thought. |
| when you're interested in everything your partner does. | when you're only interested in one thing. | when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score. |
Joke donated by Gordon Johnson. Thanks Gordon :)
MURPHY'S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will. SCHNATTERLY'S SUMMING UP OF THE COROLLARIES: If anything can't go wrong, it will. SILVERMAN'S PARADOX: If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. THE EXTENDED MURPHY'S LAW: If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in the worst possible sequence. FARNSDICK'S COROLLARY TO THE FIFTH COROLLARY: Afther things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself. GATTUSO'S EXTENSION OF MURPHY'S LAW: Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse. EVAN'S AND BJORN'S LAW: No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would. HELLRUNG'S LAW: If you wait, it will go away. Shavelson's Extension: ...having done it's damage. Grelb's Addition: If it was bad, it'll be back. GROSSMAN'S MISQUOTE OF H.L. MENCKEN: Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers. DUCHARME'S PRECEPT: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. FLUGG'S LAW: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the world's compsed of aluminum and vinyl. FIRST POSTULATE OF ISO-MURPHISM: Things equal to nothng else are equal to each other. THE UNAPPLICABLE LAW: Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. MURPHY'S SAVING GRACE: The worst is enemy of the bad.
An oldie-internet-favorite on the value of punctuation! Which version do you like better ;) ?
Dear President Clinton,
I would like to compliment you. I can't stop thinking that you are one of the best Presidents we have had. So many leaders go ahead and propose policies and then
botch the job. We expect it. From you, in years to come, I know we will get better results.
Joke forwarded by Seweryn Pietruszewski. Thanks Seweryn :)
Were you frustrated with your ISP' tech support before submitting this joke?
"Hello! Local ISP, how can I help you?" "Well, I was sorta hoping someone could walk me through taking a leak" "Okay... well, do you have to go now?" "Yes, I do" "Okay... well, are you on male or female equipment?" "MALE-CLONE..." "Okay, the first thing we want to do is find your fly.." "My what?" "Your fly... it opens your pants. It should be in the front of you. Look down" "I see shoes" "No, sir... look sorta in the front of you... like just below your stomach. You should see some metal on your pants. That's your fly.." "The round thing?" "Well, that's your button... let's open that, too, while we're down there. The fly looks like a lot of little metal things sideways" "Oh, okay.. got it.Okay, it's open.." "Okay, sir... can you grab your willy?" "No." "Do you see your willy?" "No." "Okay... what do you see?" "I see white... just white and some lines.." "Do you have underwear installed?" "No." "Sir, if you can't see your willy, and you see only white... I think that you may have underwear installed. We are going to have to uninstall your underwear to take a leak...." "Well, my friend was the last one to use my fly... he might have installed underwear..." "Okay, sir... well grab the white part and pull down... keep pulling until you see your willy.." "It's stuck... it won't go down..." "The white part? Or your willy?" "My willy..." "DON'T pull down on your willy, sir... just the underwear... we only want to get to the point where we can see it...." "Oh... okay, we're there...." "Okay... now look around the room... do you see anything made of porcelain?" "I see a little penguin on a shelf ..." "Okay, sir...you're in the living room.... go to the bathroom. We can't take a leak until we are in the bathroom. The bathroom will have a lot of tile, maybe some carpeting... yours might have mirrors or some soap in it. Some people have showers in their bathrooms..." "Well, I'm downstairs... I think the bathroom is upstairs..." "Okay, well... let's go upstairs..." "I can't walk..." "Okay, sir... temporarily reinstall your underwear... then go upstairs... then uninstall your underwear again..." "That was the white part, right?" "Yes, sir... that's correct..." -pause- "Okay, I'm upstairs..." "Okay... now do you see any porcelain bowl-type things?" "Well, there's two..." "How tall are you sir?" "5'4" .." "Okay... go to the one where it's lower than your willy...." "Okay... I'm there" "Okay... now make sure that you are pointing toward the porcelain bowl... now just go.... " "What do you mean?" "Well, when it pops up... just hit 'okay'....."
Old joke submitted (again) by 16-year old Edwin Lee. Thanks Edwin :)
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex".
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license,
I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd
like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't
care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had
Sex since I was 9 year old." He said I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I
told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special
room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said,
"You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the
dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there
looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the
contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't
understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me
a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the
dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said
"Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He
said, "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him.
A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in
the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex..."
My case comes up on Friday.....
Since this is an election week, something relevant from Communist Poland circa 1970. Ain't we proud to vote instead for
such political giants and great human beings as Clinton, Dole and Perot ;(
The prime secretary of the Polish Communist Party comes to his headquarters and sees a lot of his inferiors running around
and desperatly looking for something. He asks:
"What's happening?"
and hears the reply:
"We lost the results of tomorrow's election!"
A very useful joke donated by Idan York -- a guy with a cute sig:
("I've told you a million times not to exaggerate!" ). Thanks Idan :)
Heres some help for if we next get to knock a few back on how to deal with any situations that might arise :)
| SYMPTOM | FAULT | ACTION |
|---|---|---|
| Beer unusually pale and tasteless. | Glass empty. | Get someone to shout you another beer. |
| Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. | Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. | Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror. |
| Feet cold and wet. | Glass being held at incorrect angle. | Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. |
| Feet warm and wet. | Improper bladder control. | Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer. |
| Floor blurred. | You are looking through bottom of empty glass. | Get someone to shout you another beer. |
| Floor moving. | You are being carried out. | Find out if you are being taken to another bar. |
| Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. | You have fallen over backward. | Have yourself leashed to bar. |
| Mouth contains cigarette butts. | You have fallen forward. | See above. |
| Room seems unusually dark. | Bar has closed. | Confirm home address with bartender. |
| PCMCIA | People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms |
| ISDN | It Still Does Nothing |
| APPLE | Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity |
| SCSI | System Can't See It |
| DOS | Defunct Operating System |
| BASIC | Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control |
| IBM | I Blame Microsoft |
| DEC | Do Expect Cuts |
| CD-ROM | Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months |
| OS/2 | Obsolete Soon, Too. |
| WWW | World Wide Wait |
| MACINTOSH | Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs |
A joke from Checkoslovakia circa 1968 donated by Andrew Olas. Thanks Andrew :)
During a party meeting the speaker announces that in five years Checkoslovakia will reach Communism. Most of the
gathered crowd, after recalling their bad experience with Socialism, accepts the news pesimismistically. Only one
person, seating in the last row, laughs and giggles.
"Why are you so cheerful, didn't you hear that in five years will live in Communism!"
"I don't care about it -- I have a cancer!!!"
This reminds me another joke from the same geographic location and time period...
"How do you test a new bridge in Checkoslovakia?"
"Send the Russian army to pass through. If they make it -- the bridge is good; if they don't -- the bridge
is even better."
...and another one to the east from there, twenty some years earier:
Central Committee meeting of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union. Generalissimos Stalin is giving a speech.
Suddenly somebody sneezes. Interrupted Stalin asks:
"Who sneezed?"
There was no answer, so he ordered:
"Shoot the entire front row!"
...and continued his state address. Again someone sneezed, so he asked again:
"Who sneezed?"
And again there was no answer, so he ordered:
"Shoot the entire second row!"
...and continued his state address. Again someone sneezed, so he asked again:
"Who did it?"
An old person sitting in the last row stood up shakingly and said:
"It was me, Comrade Stalin!"
...and heard Stalin's reply:
"God bless you comrade, god bless you!"
A joke donated by Matt Hallstrom. Thanks Matt :)
A man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drugstore that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a
doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it.
It only costs $10.00."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he
poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began
to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he
masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the
$10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
A bonus joke donated by Tonya Sue Meehan. Thanks Tonya Sue :)
A farmer drove to the grocery store one day with his three-legged pig riding in the back of his pick-up truck.
When he emerged from the store, he found a trio of locals examining the pig.
"How'd he loose that leg?" one asked.
"Well," the farmer replied, "one time the house caught on fire and that pig busted out of his pen, rushed into
the burning house and dragged my youngest daughter out."
"That sure is a good pig. Is that how he lost his leg?" the other wanted to know.
"No," the farmer answered, "but once my oldest boy was skating on the farm pond and fell through the ice. That pig
scooted under the gate, leaped into the pond and dragged the boy out."
"That sure is a good pig. Is that how he lost his leg?" the first man asked.
"No," the farmer once again replied. "But, one time I was plowing in the field and the tractor turned over on me.
This here pig jumped the fence, ran out to the field and pushed the tractor off of me with his snout."
"Was that when he lost his leg?" the third local man asked.
"No," the farmer answered.
One of the by-standers finally lost patience with the farmer and exclaimed, "For crying out loud: how did this pig loose his leg?"
"Well," answered the farmer, "when you have a good pig like this,
you don't want to eat him all at once."
A joke donated (for the second time) by Tonya Sue Meehan. Thanks Tonya Sue :)
Two Americans, a successful business man and a lawyer, were travelling on the Trans-Siberian Express along with a
Russian and a Cuban.
Not long after the train left the station, the Russian reached into his bag and produced a bottle of the finest Vodka
that Rubles could buy. He offered some to his travelling companions and took a small drink from the bottle himself. He
then opened the window and tossed out the remainder. Both Americans were shocked, but the Russian explained,
"In Russia, we have more Vodka than we know what to do with. Even the best is really worthless to us."
In a short while, the Cuban produced a box of the very finest Cuban cigars. He offered them to the others in the
compartment and lit one for himself. After a couple of puffs, he opened the window and tossed out the remaining cigars,
box and all. The Americans were aghast, but the Cuban explained,
"In Cuba, we have more cigars than we know what to do with. Even the best is really worthless to us."
After a short while, the American business man jumped up, opened the window and tossed the lawyer out...
A joke donated by HKastemaa@aol.com. Thanks HKastemaa :)
A high European Union employment officer was sent to the US to study, why they had such low employment rates compared
to the Europeans.
The officer went into his hotel. While waiting for his check in he told about the purpose of his trip to the portier.
The portier said:
"I know all about these wonderfull new jobs we have here in the States. I have three of them."
Two jokes donated by Egor Perov. Thanks Egor :)
Polish (from Poland) joke Igor've heard in Russia...
Anxious Pole, who wants to deposit 300 zlotys in the Polish State Bank asks the teller:
- What if your bank goes bankrupt?
- Our Bank cannot go bankrupt: it is backed up by the assets of Peoples Republic of Poland!
- But what if Poland goes bankrupt?
- Poland can't go bankrupt - it is backed up by Comecon!
- But what if Comecon goes bankrupt?
- Comecon cannot go bankrupt - it is backed up by our Big Brother - the Great Soviet Union!
- But what if the Great Soviet Union goes bankrupt?
- And you won't give your shitty 300 zlotys for this?!
...Roman's WEB Place would happily donate for that noble cause ;) How 'bout ya all?
A Jew comes to a Rabi:
- Rabi, help, I'm so horrified - my son just turned Christian!
- Well, Rabi says, it's a very sensitive issue, I have to seek Lord's advice, so please come tomorrow...
So he comes back tomorrow:
- So, Rabi, what shall I do?
- Well, my dear, the Rabi says, unfortunately I cannot help you...
- But Rabi!!!! You talked to the Lord!!!!
- Oh, yes. And the Lord said - he's got exactly the same problem...
A great story 'taken' from FREE Internet Newsletter By W. Bruce Cameron. Thanks Bruce :)
Subscribing to Bruce's Newsletter is as easy as sending a message to majordomo@cwe.com with any subject and
the first line of text reading subscribe cameron.
A couple of weeks ago I gave birth to a kidney stone - though "kidney boulder with steel spikes sticking out of it"
would be a better description of the whole ordeal, in my opinion. It all started at the health club, where I was
watching women perform aerobics. Naturally, I assumed the sharp pain in my side was just my body’s usual reaction to
exercise, and quickly hit the showers in an attempt to assure my muscles that I wasn’t about to try that type of
exertion myself.
A few hours later, though, it was even worse--it felt like a large, rabid walrus had bitten me in the side. Those of
you who have had this happen to you can comprehend what I am saying here. I called my wife. "You were just kidding about that voodoo doll thing, right?" I asked her. I explained what was happening, using words like "near death"
and "state of national emergency" so she would know I wasn’t exaggerating. Her response was to remind me
that she was in labor for 26 hours with our first child.
"Oh, this is far worse than that," I promised her, earning myself the Dial Tone Award for Least Appreciation of
Cervical Dilation.
Then, and I still resent my body for this, it got even WORSE. "Hey!" I shouted with considerable self-pity.
"HEY!"
A call to the doctor confirmed I could have an appointment in about sixty days, or fifty nine and a half days past my
tortured death. "We have to go to the Emergency Room. The ER," I gasped professionally to my wife, whose
expression did not convey the appropriate amount of concern. "This is ten times worse than having a baby,"
I moaned, so she would appreciate just how bad it was. Her response is not printable in this column - let’s just say
"appreciation" doesn’t exactly fit the mood.
At the ER I looked like an animal caught in a steel trap. "No, you go ahead," urged two guys with shotgun
wounds. "I was in labor for 26 hours, " my wife informed the admittance clerk. They told each other birth
stories, recounting each contraction, while the hospital auditors went over my financial statements, checked my
insurance companies, and interviewed my neighbors to make sure I could pay for the lack of service I was about to
receive. In the waiting room, I tried to distract myself with a magazine article. Richard Nixon was Time’s "Man of
the Year."
Passing a kidney stone feels a little like giving birth to a herd of longhorn cattle. "My spleen and liver are
coming out too," I warned anyone who would listen. "Shouldn’t we notify the media about this?" Then,
feeling that wearing a gown which offered the world a peep show didn’t humiliate me enough, they handed me what looked
like a coffee filter to "trap" the stone in when it "came out."
"You want me to use this?" I demanded. "Give me a catcher’s mitt. Get a ten gallon bucket. You don’t seem
to understand, this thing is HUGE."
When I finally did deposit the source of my agony in the trap, it was, admittedly, less like a porcupine than I
expected, but by then I was past caring. The stone was whisked off by a lab assistant to be sent to the United States
Center for the Study of the Most Painful Objects in the Universe, Far More Painful than Having a Baby, and I was given
the cheery advice that once your kidneys start producing these rocks, they don’t stop. "We’ll be seeing you again,
" the nurse promised with a wink, handing me a bill which guarantees that my children will never go to college.
"No you won’t," I vowed, "I’m having my kidneys removed at the first possible opportunity."
What do politicians and babies have in commmon?
They should both be changed often and for the same reason.
Submited by our frequent joke provider Krzysztof F. Plizga. Thanks Krzysztof :)
Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was
increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal
hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After
being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a
doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your
headaches. . ."
"The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of
your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way
to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live
for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had
no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he
realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new
beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see. . .size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed
Joe and said, "Let's see. . .34 sleeve and . . . 16 and a half neck"
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the
collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe's feet
and said, "Let's see. . .9 and a half.. . wide."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great,
when the salesman asked,"How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure . . " The salesman stepped
back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see. .. size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The
salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your
testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a
headache."
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